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    Tuesday
    Aug232011

    Cascade

    my flaws cascade over the beautiful grand waterfall of my soul
    threatening to produce the turmoil of my undoing
    by robbing the most beautiful me I can create
    with its madness

    the vast mist of upheaval
    shrouds what is beneath

    it is too much to take in

    so i bury myself in the vapor
    hoping it will bathe me just enough to help me forget
    how much i am spinning
    how much i hurt
    how lost i feel

    tumbling over this waterfall
    in a barrel i helped create
    but no longer feel any part of
    i pray that when i come crashing down on the rocks below
    i will have what it takes to pick up the pieces
    and start my journey anew

    no longer tumbling or lost
    I now travel in the river i created
    when i made the waterfall that could have broken me

     

    © 2011 Clint Piatelli. All Rights Reserved

    Wednesday
    Aug172011

    Scream of Defiance

            Waking myself up at two in the morning by my own scream can’t be called a pleasant experience. But it can be called a necessary experience. It means that something very deep within me is happening, something that quite literally screams for attention. My subconscious is yelling at me. I’m effectively yelling at myself. Who better to pay attention to?
            Luckily, my dream recall is excellent, and I know enough to write the dream down as soon as I wake up because our dream recall fades quickly after waking. It’s also a good idea to title the dream, because our association, and hence our memory of it, is stronger when we have something specific to call it. I called this one “Scream of Defiance”.

    I knew that my purple house was going to be invaded by military troops, so I went to this  camp to learn how to defend it. The camp was being run by the very soldiers who were going to be invading. One of the things I was trying to decide at the camp was if we - I was living at the house with others - should defend the place at all.

    I knew I had a week to decide. But as I returned home and was walking through my front door, a bunch of troops ambushed us and started shooting. They held me at gunpoint while I heard them go through the house shooting and killing others. Scared shitless, I was thinking how much it was going to hurt getting shot and what it was going to feel like to die. The anticipation was horrible, as the house went dead silent and I waited, for what felt like an hour, for the leader to give the order to shoot me.

    The order came, they shot me, and I was sure I was hit and I was sure I was bleeding. But I was still alive. I started to cry, and had a sensation of pain in my stomach, but it wasn’t bad at all. It may have even been imagined.

    Then a couple of guys in lab coats came over to me and jabbed needles into my neck. I knew the needles were meant to hurt me and were suppose to either knock me out, render my nervous system inert, or make me talk. But the needles didn’t have any effect on me. The lab coat guys started yelling at me, accusing me of a whole bunch of stuff, and I protested, because what they were saying were all lies. They stuck another needle in my neck, thinking it would make me pass out. But I didn’t.

    I could feel myself bleeding. Then I stood up and I could see blood all over me and all over them. After standing, I looked right at the lab coat guys and the remaining soldiers. I made fists, spread out my arms and flexed them, like an animal making himself bigger. Then I screamed, loud and long. I woke up screaming and continued screaming for at least five seconds after I awoke.


            Holly Metaphor, Batman. My next post will go into this much deeper. Please stay tuned. Same Bat Time. Same Bat Channel.

    © 2011 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and Paramilitary Operation of Wrongs) Reserved.

    Tuesday
    Aug162011

    Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Change...ez

          Change whirls all around me. It churns as a maelstrom of shifting relationships, potential opportunities, changes in my attitude and perspective, physical relocation choices, career options, upheaval of personal issues, and future plans with someone who could be my life partner. I have very little idea what my life will look like six months form now. But I know one thing for certain: it will be very different than it looks today.
          That idea excites me very much. And it scares the crap out of me. My tendency to polarize causes my emotional experience of this whirlwind to vacillate. Wildly. Sometimes I allow myself to get swept up in it like a piece of paper in a wind storm. Other times, I plant myself like a stone and bronze statue in the middle of it, refusing to acknowledge that things are moving all around me. Neither approach is terribly enjoyable. And neither approach is terribly effective at navigating this storm of change.
          Getting caught up in it like paper means I feel out of control and rudderless, without rhyme or reason to my life. Becoming a statue in the middle of it means I just resist everything, effectively saying “No” to life.
          I know I need to create a new paradigm for what feels like a tornado . Because, like it or not, I’m in it, even though sometimes I pretend I’m not. That’s another one of my great character flaws: avoidance.
          An acronym for FEAR is “Fuck Everything And Run”. I’m good at that. Another one is “Face Everything And Recover”. I’m good at that too. But the second option asks a lot more from me than the first. Running means just strapping on the old diversion suit and taking off. Facing myself takes courage and strength and a whole shit load of other stuff. It means experiencing pain and working through it. Ultimately, it means I have to change. It means I have to grow, It means I can’t just run and hope that everything will be okay. It means I have to do something. Lots of somethings, actually.
          Although the change is centered around a piece of property, it’s really about me and my need to grow. To get bigger. To divorce myself from a very sick, dysfunctional, crazy making, morally corrupt, financially lucrative but spiritually bankrupt system (sometimes called my “family”), so that I can create a life that’s completely mine. I see that. I feel that. But I can’t always come from that. My sadness and my anger sometimes get in the way. Those emotions can be opportunities for me to grow and heal and change. If I do the right thing with them. Which is feel them. Then appropriately channel or express them. Which is one big reason I’m writing about it today. Because writing helps. And because expressing how I feel helps.
          I have been reluctant to express how I feel about these changes because I’m scared of where I’ll go if I let the emotions out of the bottle. But keeping the emotions in the bottle fucks me up. Much worse than letting them out. Even if I let them out in a destructive way, and I have (more on that in another post), I at least have the opportunity to learn from that experience. As long as I keep it all inside, I become a giant pressure cooker. And what’s cooking are my insides; scorching my heart, my mind, my spirit.
          So like I did when my heart got shattered, I’m channeling some of my emotional energy into my blog. And hoping you’ll come with me. It’s one of the “somethings” I can do to help myself. And sometimes, I need a lot of help. Sometimes, we all do.


    © 2011 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and a Ziggy Stardust worth of Wrongs) Reserved.

    Friday
    Aug122011

    I Hurt, Therefore I Am (part 1)

    Note: I wanted to post something again today, just to produce some momentum for my blogging. This piece is still a work in process, but I like the beginning, so I’m posting it as a sort of “teaser”. I hope you’ll come with me on this.

           Just as indifference, not hate, is the opposite of love, so to is numbness, not pain, the opposite of joy. If I am in pain, at least I am feeling. At least I am connected, to something. Being numb is like drifting alone in a void; untethered to anything or anybody. It is absolute disconnection from life.
           Experiencing that sort of life sucking numbness often enough has lead me to know that I would rather feel pain than nothing. That is not so profound, but it’s implications are. Because I can become addicted to pain. As a way of staying connected to life, I sometimes turn to pain like a junkie turns to crack. When joy and love feel fleeting and ethereal, pain is as solid as a rock. And just as easy to score.

    Friday
    Oct012010

    From Tragedy To Romantic Comedy

          

            Cape Cod is basically a giant sand bar, created a mere fifteen to twenty thousand years ago, by of all things, a glacier. When we think of the cape, we picture beautiful beaches stretching into a seemingly endless ocean. Rarely do we think of its trees, or the word “foliage”.
            I certainly never did. I spent virtually every summer of my life here until I graduated college. Not until I moved here did I realized that Cape Cod is a beautiful place to witness the annual color explosion of a New England autumn.
        Once I moved here full time, one of the first thing I noticed is that, contrary to popular belief, the Cape’s flora does not consist primarily of scrub pines and dune grass. This giant sand bar is in fact rife with leafy trees. Leafy trees that change color.
           The cape’s milder climate means that it peaks later in the season, usually early November. So it gets bypassed by foliage lovers. Not only because most foliage fans think there is nothing to see here, but also because most people have already done their leaf peeping, drawn north to the mountains earlier in the fall.
           But those of us who live here, if we’re paying attention, know better. We’re aware that Cape Cod in autumn is a very different place than Cape Cod in summer. Our roads, our neighborhoods, our trees, are alive with orange and yellow and red. Colors that the tourists never see. And because our experience is exclusive to us natives, and because there are so many less people here in fall, we feel that this cape is ours. It’s our little secret. A colorful world that you only know about if you live here.
           For most of my youth, fall was the absolute worst time of year. I would bet the farm that that was the case for the vast majority of kids. Fall sucked. It meant going back to school. It meant regiment. It ignited, in all it’s phantasmal glory, my internal emotional neon sign that read: “The Party’s Over”. How the fuck could I like fall then? How the fuck could any normal, sane, irresponsible kid?
           When I got older, in one of the truly remarkable and subtle transformations in life, I, like many people, came to love autumn. Instead of dread, I came to embrace that time of year that had traditionally triggered what I would call “formative situational seasonal depression”. When fall no longer meant being sentenced to what I over-dramatically referred to as “Awshwitz For Kids”, I grew to appreciate this unique time of year. Suddenly, fall meant something different. It meant beauty, and jaw dropping color, and a change in the lighting scheme of life. It meant curling up with a girl in front of a blazing fire. It meant a shift in my experience of life, like a benign and non-addictive drug.
           Autumn assaulted the senses. Not only visually, but audibly. Who can’t recall the unique sound that leaves on the ground make when we shuffle through them? Even our olfactory senses get involved, for autumn has a certain scent to it; fallen leaves; blossoming flora; the change in prevailing winds and air temperature that deliver a palpable change in the very air we breath. As though I was able to change the genre of a movie, autumn literally went from being a tragedy to being a romantic comedy. 
           I called Falmouth home for almost ten years. Of all my countless experiences here as a full time resident, my personal discovery and enjoyment of the Cape’s “Hidden Fall” ranks towards the top. Because of its lasting impact. Because my very experience of reality changed.
           After living in the city of Boston for fifteen years, as much as I loved it, autumn inevitably passed me by. Surrounded by buildings instead of trees, immersing myself in the perpetual spirit of color that defines autumn proved elusive. And as I’ve said, fall to me as a kid was akin to death. But being on Cape Cod in autumn for this many years has forever changed my perspective. My eyes opened. My mind expanded. And my experience of the entire season transmutated; altered, like poles on a battery, from negative to positive. Very cool Falmouth. Unexpected, but very cool. Thank you...
    

    © 2010 Clint Piatelli. Astoundingly Colorful Amount of Rights Reserved.