Riding Your Lover's Edge (part 2)

In the sexual experience known as Tie & Tease (see my most recent post Riding Your Lover's Edge if you missed it, so you know what the hell I'm talking about), the bottom is not merely a passive participant. The bottom has to fully present, engaged, and expressive. If not, it becomes very difficult for your lover to know how close you are to orgasm. And that derails the whole train. Even if the bottom is gagged, if they are present and expressive, the top will be given plenty of tells as to when they are getting close to coming, and thus be in a position to deny orgasm. This whole shabang needs both of you to Bring It. Even if you're tied up so well you can hardly move. 

As a top, find your sinister side and play it out. Live it out. Fully. Show your lover your mean streak. Come up with new ways to sexually manipulate them. Know what words, phrases, attitudes, and actions drive your partner to the absolute edge of sexual and physiological frustrated euphoria. Laugh when they cry. Taunt them with phrases of control, dominance, and power. You can even script something out with your partner before hand, and make it like a play (or even a movie). You both get to create your own little world that only makes sense to the two of you.

Many of us have a sadistic side, usually buried deep; or least a part of us that would love to fully control another person. On the flip side, we also have a piece of us that wants to let go and completely turn the wheel over to someone else. The psychological jargon for those parts of us are sometimes referred to "Sub-Personalities". And, if you take the necessary steps to make this a mutually safe place, it's not only a rush to play with those Sub-Personalities, it's therapeutic. Whenever we give ourselves permission to explore the parts of ourselves we usually keep at bay, or hidden, we make progress in freeing ourselves. We promote healing. We create inner space.

Again, there are similarities to meditation. There's a meditative practice where, instead of denying these "darker" parts of us, we go into them. We engage them. We give them a voice, and allow them to express themselves. We get to know what they're about by developing a more fruitful relationship with them, because, after all, like it or not, they are a part of us. If we then create a safe place to act them out, like during Tie & Tease, we expand our understanding of ourselves. We take a small step towards wholeness. You'll hear actors say this stuff about their craft and why they love it. It often helps them process their emotions and gain self-wisdom.

I love the technique of edging and Tie & Tease because it's a truly loving practice, even though, let's face it, it involves a fair amount of sexual cruelty. But it's not malicious cruelty. I've been driven to tears of frustration as a bottom; and as a top, I've driven her to tears as well; tears of frustration during denial, and tears of joy upon release. Let me tell you, they are some of the best tears you will ever cry.

After the bomb explodes, you both bask in the aftershock The pillow talk that happens afterward can be some of the most precious and intimate discussions you and your partner may ever have. When you both come out of the dominance/submission paradigm, there is a heightened sense of closeness and vulnerability. There's a palpable and powerful experience of love, connection, and peace as you hold one another, love each other up, and settle into this tranquil, mutually created space. This is just one way to manifest mutually intimate and sacred space, unique to just the two of you; space that only you two know how to get to. It can be a microcosm of the whole relationship itself; A Special Place Just For The Two of You. A Special Place that only the two of you know how to find. A Special Place where nothing in the world matters except what you lovingly create together. That is truly beautiful. 

Tie & Tease, and mindful love making in general, promotes so much of what makes a relationship work. Communication. Attention. Care. Intimacy. Love. Connection. Passion. Putting your partner first when that's what the relationship needs. Flex your creative muscles. Create characters, use props, do whatever you want.

There's an expression I learned from a very wise therapist at Sierra Tucson: "When you love, give of your overflow, not of your essence". In this case, however, for a short period of time, it's okay to you give your essence. You'll get it back. Just for this, though, if you're bottoming, let your lover Have It All. And if you're topping, just let your lover......Have It.

This isn't everyone's cup of tea. If you're curious about it, however, don't jump into the deep end right away. Start off with a discussion, and put the ropes and chains aside for a while. Get to know your lover's edge, play with it, then reverse top/bottom roles. Eventually, if this is your jam, you'll intensify the situation, organically, if that's where you both want to take it. It's an acquired taste for many, so give yourselves the bedroom time, and savor the deliciousness of this edge.

And we were told it isn't safe to play with knives.....

©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

Riding Your Lover's Edge

There's a sexual technique known as "Edging" (also known as "Surfing"). Edging involves maintaining a very high state of sexual arousal for an extended period of time without achieving orgasm. You get close to coming, but don't, and you stay there, as long as you can. Or as long as you can't. When you willingly and consensually give control of your orgasm to your partner, it ain't up to you. Which brings me to the most heart popping way to experience edging. 

Known as "Tie and Tease", the practice involves one partner being bound and relinquishing control of their orgasm to their lover. In this form of erotic denial, the partner in control (the "top") carefully manipulates speed, pressure, and intensity to keep their helpless lover (the "bottom") deliciously close to orgasm for a long period of time. When the bottom is just about to climax, the top reduces the level of stimulation just enough (or just plain stops,) at just the right moment, to deny orgasm. If this process is repeated, over and over again, the bottom experiences an overwhelming urge to come. When, finally, the top allows their partner their sweet release, it is far more intense and pleasurable than a "normal" climax (if any climax can ever be described as such). It is in fact, an explosion. I call it The Hydrogen Bomb of Orgasms.

From experience, I can tell you, with complete confidence, that this is one steamy, hot as fuck way to make love. It's both physically and psychologically extremely intense. The strong level of sexual frustration in being denied orgasm is exponentially intensified by the helplessness of being bound. Coming is, from a human mechanics standpoint, a process of tension and release. Well, like any physical system, the more tension you create, the more powerful the release. And there is no better way I know of to create near unbearable tension than Tie and Tease. 

For the lover being denied orgasm, this technique can induce a near euphoric state, also known as "Flying". And it can even alter one's perceived consciousness; in a way, like meditation. Tie & Tease with extended erotic denial is thus sexual mediation. Good Gravy. What a beautifully powerful combination. 

Mind-blowing-conscious-altering-orgasm aside, the truly wonderful perk of this sexual play is that it builds intimacy, trust, love, and connection. The ability to get your lover that close to orgasm, and knowing exactly when to deny it, takes practice. It takes time. It takes focus and attention. It takes communication. It takes care and love. You have to get to know your partner extremely well. You have to be able to read them. You have to be fully engaged and present. Call it Fully Mindful Sex. 

The benefits of this practice start long before the actual act. Because it's important to discus this scenario first. This often takes couples out of their comfort zone, which is where growth usually happens. Even if it doesn't take a couple out of their comfort zone, talking about what happens in the bedroom fosters communication and intimacy. And it also builds anticipation. And anticipation is a potent aphrodisiac. 

Speaking of anticipation, if I've wetted your appetite for more, join me for part two. And maybe pass this post onto your lover if you want to try it. Send them a link to this post to wet their appetite. And maybe even their underwear. If they wear any.

©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHear LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved. 

SuperFly's Eleven

There's a scene in the movie Ocean's Eleven where George Clooney's character, Danny Ocean, surprises (shocks, actually) his ex-wife Tess (played by Julia Roberts) at the restaurant in the very hotel he's scheming to rob blind. I remember when I first saw the movie, something about that scene hit me so hard between the eyes that it felt like my third chakra was having an orgasm. In the moment, I wasn't focusing on my inner experience; I was way too into what was happening on the screen. Later, I pulled it apart, as I usually do with such powerful episodes. My takeaway, in a nutshell; "What fuckin' balls".

Back in late March of this year, that scene came up again during a therapy session. I've mentioned before that one of my challenges early in treatment was to more strongly identify with my adult man and integrate him with my inner boy. It wasn't that my adult self wasn't already there and underdeveloped; it was that he sometimes didn't show up when I needed him most. He needed some serious coaching in that, and other things.

I needed work on converging my exuberant, vibrant, sensitive boy with my powerful, wise-minded, more emotionally mature man. All too often, I literally experienced these two parts of me as separate people. And these two didn't know how to relate to each other very well. They loved each other very much, but didn't know how to communicate. Think of a father and young son relationship where the two have difficulty talking, sharing, and getting each other. The father is responsible for that kid, so he's gotta man up and learn how to show the boy that he loves him, will protect him under any circumstances, and allow the kid to express himself, in all his childlike glory.

Simply put, I had to grow up. And I had to grow up without losing the boy. My fear has long been that if I really "grew up", I would lose the boy in me. And this fear is not an imagined one. You see it all the time. Men, as they mature, often lose their sense of play, their sense of awe and wonder, their curiosity, their ability to let it all hang out, their passion, their imagination, their joy for life. They become overly serious, less expressive, more stoic, more distant. They lose that Je ne sais quoi that was alive and well when they were kids. 

I consciously never wanted that to happen to me. Ever. At any cost. Partly because I so identified with the boy, loved him with all my heart, and let him run so free within my life (in this context, the tag line is "In Healthy Ways"). I picture this metaphorically as a huge field, bordered by a forest, where a little boy is running and playing with wild abandon. He's insatiably curious about all the flowers and fauna he encounters. He's climbing the trees, and examining their leaves and bark and limbs like he's looking at them for the first time. He's building a tree house. He's exploring, and genuinely wowed by the experiences he's having. He's playing, pretending, creating, on the fly. Well I never wanted to cage that boy. I never wanted to put him in a playpen, no matter how big they playpen was. I wanted that kid to advance the limits, test the waters, and actually open the envelope (not just push it).

What I did need to learn is how to better parent that kid. And to do that, my man had to learn to communicate with him. To show his love, not just proclaim it. I've learned to bring that man into my life, integrate him with the boy, and have them so seamlessly one that they no longer feel like two separate people in the same body. I couldn't function anymore feeling so splintered. I had to be the whole, unfragmented trunk of the tree, all the time. And, paradoxically, I had to integrate that on an unconscious level so that I could consciously access the man in times when he wanted to bolt. Times when I needed him most. It's a process, and I'm well into it by now.

Circling back to Mr. Clooney, he represented, in that scene, many of the attributes that I admire, respect, and want to emulate. The scene itself is brilliant. From an artistic perspective, it's very well conceived, brilliantly written, and marvelously acted. But for me there's way more to it than that. I was reading between the lines, identifying the subtext, drawing out the unstated feelings, digging up the emotional content, getting inside the characters, and using that information to serve me. I was, in a word, "Repurposing" that scene so that it gave me something I wanted and needed. It was giving me a partial blueprint for the man I want to be, the man in parts I already am, and the man I am becoming.

Join me for part two, where I get into all the gory details.

©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

I Invented Fire

I don't write much non-fiction. When I do, it's usually something steamy. 

I’ve invented a Brand New Literary Genre: “Auto-Biographical Unmanifested Erotic Non-Fiction”. This is a technical way of saying, “I will create this romantic experience someday”. 

Actually, I’ve experienced parts of this story already. Just not all of it. Yet. But I will. 

©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. Al;l; rights reserved.

Going To Eleven

There was a time when my most glaring flaws, my many imperfections, my deepest pains, and my maladaptive thinking and behavior caused me great shame. Even after all the work I had done previous to getting into treatment, there were nuts I could not crack; scars I could not look at; wounds that would not heal; things I could not share, with anyone. No matter how loving, accepting, non-judgmental, and supportive they were. Some of that shit, I wasn't even aware of. 

That time is coming to an end. 

Through the years, I have continued to dig into the depths of my heart. I get to new places, stay there for a while, and then start digging again. The journey never ends. But that's okay with me. Because the gifts get better, the deeper we go. The treasures get richer, the more we risk. The gold gets brighter, the more we share. The more we connect. The more we open up. The more we Love.

I have known that for years. But knowing that doesn't mean you're ready to do it. At every level, you have to bump against something, or somethings, that you can't go around, under, or over. You just have to go through. At this point in my journey, I am reaching the bottom of that level. I'm having lots of breakthroughs. I've seen The Other Side of this. And it's freakin' beautiful.

The healthiest, most loving, most compassionate, wisest people I know have gone through the darkest places and the most fiery of hells. They have sunk so far down they're off the radar. And they have climbed out, one excruciating rung at a time, to new heights; with new strength, new resolve, new lives. 

I am gradually becoming one of those people. And I'm proud as fuck about it.

My perfectionism has less and less of a grip on me every day. My fear and shame fade into memories as The Ghosts Of My Past a little more every time I forge ahead. I'll meet them over and over, for the rest of my life. But I won't ever be their slave again. They will win some battles. But I'm winning the war (I'm not big on framing this journey like a war, but sometimes, that's what it feels like).

Where before I thought "Who's going to love me if I sink this low and have to go into treatment?", I now wear this whole experience like a badge of honor. I wear it with profound gratitude. If I continue to lead by example, as I've done since my first day of treatment back in March, I will impact lives, I will make a difference, I will live on purpose. 

I was a Universe Denter long before I got here. Throughout my life, loved ones have made that clear to me, countless times, with their words, with their actions, with their love. I knew I was able to do that, just by being fully myself. But I forgot it all too often. My self hatred would rise up and tell me that, "You may be able to dent another's universe, but there is Something Fundamentally Wrong and Unfixable about you". It would tell me that, deep down, I was broken and couldn't be helped. I've thought that since I was a kid. So the voice was loud and persistent and sometimes all consuming.

That voice is all but gone. 

It doesn't ever go away completely, but when it does come up, I just don't listen to it. I have turned the volume on that crap down to a whisper, and turned up the volume of Who I Am. Who I Really Am. What I Really Am. To paraphrase Nigel Tufnel from the movie "This is Spinal Tap", "I go to eleven". 

I'm under no delusions that I have anything licked. There are more levels to go. There are always more levels to go. Levels I haven't even dreamed of. But those levels always lead back up. The deeper I go, the deeper I dig, the new challenges and pains I face, as much as it might hurt to go through, become roads to new places of awareness, joy, wisdom, strength, passion, and purpose. Instead of roads to hell. 

Yeah. I'm having a good week.

©2017 Clint Piatelli., MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.