The Fuckin' Good News

I’ve hit a bump in the road. And that bump is me.

A wise man told me that he starts his day by looking in the mirror, pointing at himself, and saying “YOU are the biggest problem you’re gonna face all day”. 

Ain’t that the truth.

Getting smack dab back into the real world has proved more jarring than I anticipated. 

Currently, I'm an absolute raw nerve. That’s not a bad thing. But it's very challenging. Sometimes I don’t know where to put, or what to do with, all the raw emotional energy that seems to be constantly charging through my body like sizzling electric current. I’m still learning to live life from this other side.

Before treatment, there was always an undercurrent of sadness in me, no matter what. Sometimes it was barely perceivable, but I was constantly aware of it, like a stone in my shoe. That’s not there anymore. And that’s a bloody miracle. Another thing that’s stopped are the barrage of negative thoughts and voices that used to constantly race through my head. That’s an even bigger miracle. Both of these miraculous events have me considering petitioning for Sainthood. Yeah. That would fly. 

My heart has always been huge. I’ve always been sensitive. I feel very deeply. And now, there’s so much more space for all of that. Nature abhors a vacuum, so, that space is now filled with even more emotional energy. More feeling. More love. More sensitivity. More everything. I’m still navigating my way through that. Still learning how to manage it. 

That’s truly a great thing. I know it’s improved my writing, not to mention, well, my entire fucking life. Everything feels more vibrant. Everything looks different, tastes different, smells different, feels different. The colors of life are screaming at me, even more than before.  It’s sounds are clearer, louder, more beautiful. As an artist, the potential to translate all of that into my creative endeavors is positively delicious. 

Instead of going directly from my transitional living space in LA back home to Boston with an after care plan in place (which is normal protocol), I went to Phoenix to hang out a bit. Yes I know. Far be it from me to do ANYTHING according to protocol. That maverick approach, however, does not always serve me. As we shall see. 

Before I left Los Angeles, I knew I would be going back there to take care of some business and do at least one more week of treatment. What I didn’t know was what these two weeks in Phoenix would be like. Or what I would be like, when I returned.  

Well, now I know. And there’s Good News. And there’s Bad News. 

Bad News first. I’ve always been a “Bad News First” guy. It suits me. When I boxed in college, I was a pretty damn nasty counter puncher. That means I will take a punch (bad news) to give a punch (good news). I have a good chin, so I could take a hard shot. Then I could nail you with one of mine. The tough part about that approach, however, is that you can get battered and bloodied in the process (you should have seen me after a few of my fights). I’ll get my licks in, but I’ll take some hard knocks to do it.

Being here in Phoenix for two weeks, I’ve taken a step or two backwards. I’ve lost a little bit of ground; slipped into some old maladaptive behaviors. Gotten some blood on my chin. Split my lip. Maybe even broken my nose. For the fifth time (the first four times were literal, not figurative).

The Good News is that none of this negates any of the progress I’ve made, or diminishes any of the work I’ve done. In fact, it clarifies, it reinforces, the shit that I still need to get. Despite the fact that I’ve done nothing short of change my life, I’ve still got a lot to learn. I will always still have a lot to learn. That’s My Life Path. Even though I’ve come home to myself, I’m still getting used to the place. It’s a big house. Actually, it’s a freakin’ mansion. 

And, I still have be on top of my ego. Literally. There’s a BDSM term, “Topping From The Bottom”. It means that, in sexual role playing power exchange scenarios, the person who is submissive, the “bottom”, is still trying to control, or “top”, the scene. Usually because they have serious control issues, and can’t let someone else take the reins, even when they have agreed to it. That’s kinda like My Ego. He’s a total control freak. And He thinks he knows everything. He does not. Arrogant Motherfucker. 

The process of recovery from mood disorder, from anything, is not a linear one. It’s bumpy, messy, beautiful, really. I have seen, I have experienced, so many people I love, change through this process. It fills my heart. I have been a part of their journey, and they have been a part of mine. We have become intertwined in a way that nobody who has not been through it will ever truly get. Nonetheless, we will share our story. Because sharing our story makes this planet a better one. Sharing the magic we’ve been through can help the lives of everyone who listens, so much better.

And that’s the Fuckin’ Good News. 

©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights (both top and bottom) reserved.

Balanced Motorcycle CD Mind Love

Balance. How do we get it? How do we maintain it? Is there such a thing as “too much balance”, where our steadiness can be an indication that we aren’t taking enough risks? 

Actually, as I write this, I’m figuring it out. Maybe my frame of context is wrong. If I use balance metaphorically, say, as in riding a motorcycle, then it helps translate the term of “balance” into the nuts and bolts of life much more concretely than the abstract concept I’ve been writing about. This is one of the most beautiful things about writing; I actually come to new insights and connections about what I’m writing, precisely because I’m writing about them. Figuring it out on the fly. Kind of like riding a motorcycle. And speaking of motorcycles….

Balance on a motorcycle is critical. If you lose your balance riding on one of those bad boys, you can crash. And that can be mildly or tragically disastrous. If I look at my life like riding a motorcycle, it makes sense. Sometimes, I see balance as a rather staid, prosaic, even downright boring, concept. But that sort of thinking needs to be examined. Because it is potentially indicative of something I learned about in treatment called a “Cognitive Distortion”.

We all have Cognitive Distortions. It’s a function of humanity. Some of us have more than others. Those ‘some of us’ usually end up in treatment, recovery, or the halls of 12 Step Programs. No matter. Nobody is free from Cognitive Distortions, or “CD’s,” as I call them. And we can all get a better handle on them.

Cognitive Distortions are exactly what they sound like: thinking gone awry. Maybe I’ll do a whole piece on it, but for right now, as it relates to “Balance” (oh yeah, remember that?), let’s just say that I need to be aware of how my mind is working. Because when I do that, and only when I do that, can I direct it. Only then can I direct my mind and allow it to work for me, as opposed to against me. And that’s very important; I learned just how important over the past three and a half months. 

Those of us who are big, heavy, deep thinkers, we have a wonderful mind. A beautiful mind. When I sit down to talk to you, look into your eyes, and off we go, part of what I love about you, part of what you’re showing me, is that beautiful mind. And part of what I’m showing you is mine. I don’t ever want to lose that. I don’t ever want to discount that. Your mind, my mind, is indeed, beautiful. And, Our Minds, are, like, well, many things. Our Minds are like Fire: because fire can cook our food or cook ourselves. Our Minds are like weapons: in the right hands, they can serve us; in the wrong hands, they can destroy us. Our Minds can be like bad neighborhoods: Don’t go there alone. The Mind, like Money, is a wonderful servant and a poor master.

Jesus, there I go again. Off on another fuckin’ tangent. Part of my process. I’ve gone from “Balance”, to “Motorcycles” to “Cognitive Distortions” to analogies between “The Mind” and “Weapons Of Mass Destruction”. See, THIS is exactly how MY mind works. This is exactly why I have no idea what to call this post. This is exactly why I have a writing coach who keeps me focused.

Which, TA-DAH!, leads me back to “Balance”. And as it relates to one of my favorite topics, Love.

When I am with a woman who is Grounded, Centered, and Balanced, she’s really good for me. And I’m really good for her. Because I am a constant reminder that she needs to fly. I am, in fact, The Gold Standard Poster Boy of Flight. Which is precisely why I need a woman who has her pretty little feet (that I constantly touch, kiss, and pay attention to), on the ground. Ultimately, in our mutual respective unbalancedness, we balance each other.

It’s times like this when I fall in love with writing all over again. 

©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

If The Devil Made Me A Deal

I wrote this last October, the very day after My Angel and I split up. We were both in so much pain. It didn't seem real.

Suddenly, there was a hole inside of me so big that I felt completely empty. Completely lost. The questions didn't seem answerable. So I turned to my heart, to my soul, and to my writing, to give me what I knew my head never could.

Sitting there, crying at my computer, I, somewhat ironically perhaps, felt the undeniable surge of Male Warrior Energy; an archetypal fire that burns in the DNA of every man. This is the Juice that we feel when we go into battle; a beautiful, primitive, powerful, primordial joo joo that gives us the courage when we stand between the woman we can't live without and any fucking thing in this or any other world that threatens to harm her. In that moment, I literally felt what it would be like to battle to the death, to give my life for, My Angela. Because in that moment, I would have. Absolutely. Without regret. Without but a second of hesitation.

Gotta say, I never felt that shit before. 

Emotional GunSlinger

It's 2:49 AM, Pacific Standard Time. I'm in Scottsdale, Arizona. I'm awake because I want to be. Because I choose to be. Because of my burning desire to write. Not because I can't sleep. 

Writing often feels like drumming to me. Both are co-creations between, Me, You, and Source. The UnHoly Trinity. I play drums, I write, as a means to express myself. As a way to communicate. As a way to connect. To Myself. To You. To Spirit. When I drum and when I write, I let you see me. I open up and let you peek inside. When you watch me drum or read my words, you engage with me. Even if I can't see you. I can feel you. Like a circuit of High Voltage Energy, we give and take with each other, perpetually. Energetically. Spiritually. You participate in this dance. You are indispensable. 

Writing, and drumming, without sharing, has it's place. Honing skills in private allows us to develop the magical repertoire we need to shoot from the hip. And shooting from the hip is essential. There's thought to it, yes, but it's not about thought. It's about heart. I'm an Emotional GunSlinger. And, like a GunSlinger in the tradition of The American Western, we get it on from the inside out. We fire from the heart and go with our gut. 

I'm not much for small talk. I'd much rather know what we feel, what we think. I want to know what turns you on, what you love. Who you love. What excites us? What makes our blood boil? What ignites our passion and fires our intensity? What could we talk about all night, the next day, and into next week? What are we so curious about that we always want to know more?  

I get this trait from my dad. He hated small talk. Even if he just met you, if the conversation didn't evolve into something more interesting than the weather within fifteen minutes, he would get bored and disinterested. That doesn't mean you had to get heavy with him, but you had to get real. About something. Actually, if you love talking about, say the weather, that would work for him. If you are passionate about meteorology, he would pick up on that and jam with you. I'm a huge weather freak. Not the "What a nice day it is!" Kind, but the kind who's deeply fascinated by the science behind it. Like a kid who could spend the whole day playing with Legos, I'm insatiably interested and curious about the what, the why, of the weather. And lots of other things.

During treatment in transitional living, I had the opportunity to meet with the director of The Camden Center (the facility I was at), Dr. Jason Shiffman, twice. That's rare, because most clients don't get any one on one time with him. I had a situation that presented the chance to meet with him on two occasions, and we got on like a house on fire. His dog was with him the second time we met, and his dog's name is Io (pronounced "eye-oh). I recognized that name as one of the four Galilean moons of Jupiter, and we started riffing about astronomy. He asked me what I did, and I told him I was a drummer. Jason is a musician as well, and that lead to a long talk about drumming and the fact that he met Stewart Copeland, the drummer for The Police (and one of my biggest influences).

I told Jason that my friend, and former Genius Coach, Otto Siegel, once asked me, "Clint, do you know a lot about a little, or a little about a lot?". I immediately told him that "I know a lot about a lot". That's because of my passion and my curiosity. It drives me to dig deep, and it drives me to dig deep about what fascinates me. And a lot of shit fascinates me. So I'm driven by both depth and breadth. 

The point here is that because Jason and I got real with each other quickly, we connected right away. We were both passionate and fascinated by mutual subjects, and when we talked about them, our mutual fire burned hot and bright. The half hour we spent together was not only incredibly pleasant for both of us, but it went by in a heart beat. But, in that heartbeat, we felt each other. We saw each other. We got each other. And there is nothing more beautiful to me than that. 

One of the most painful consequences of opening up so that another can get you, and allowing yourself to get someone else, is, if that relationship ends, there is big sense of loss. The deeper you dive with another person, the closer you get. And the closer you get, the more connected you feel. So if that connection gets broken, for any reason, there is an energetic loss. There is now a hole inside of you that that person occupied. Sometimes, it's a big hole. Because that person meant the world to you.

I'm feeling that right now. About someone who I was going to share my life with. We were both Emotional Gunslingers with each other. I never felt so connected, to anyone, before. And she's gone. That hole is still there. It fills slowly.

I keep shooting from the hip. I keep laying it out there. It's how I roll. Roll with me. If you read me, stick around. I need you. 

©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved. 

Song Of The Heart

Do what makes your heart sing. Take actions, both large and small, that truly resonate with the vibration of your spirit. Behave in accordance with The Call of Your Essence. Play the Unique Song of Your Own Heart. 

What does that mean in real life? Well, for example, it means painting your house bright purple, because you just love that color. It means going for that part in the play that is, apparently, way beyond your ability and experience, but that you love so much you just have to go for it. It means not wearing a shirt, or wearing THAT shirt, just because you bloody well want to. Because, it makes your heart sing. And when your heart sings, you can hear it. I can hear it. And in that, you create the opportunity for us to connect. You create the opportunity for us to love one another. 

I believe that, at the very deepest essence of all of us, there's is the Universal Common Denominator of Spirit. At the very depths of each of us, we are pure love. Yes. That I believe. However, since the reality is that, the vast majority of us seekers will never get to the level of pure enlightenment like The Buddha, or Jesus, or Mohammad (choose your prophet),  there is value in connecting to that within us that is just as real. Just as valuable. Just as nurturing to our own journey, as enlightenment. I call that part The Music of Our Soul. The song of Our Unique Self. Some may call that, in rather dismissive terms, Our Personality. 

There is lots of psychobabble about personality. I don't care about that right now. I'm describing our personality, our True Personality, as a combination of our earthly selves and our other worldly selves; and believe that it is in fact very valuable to our journey. I don't dismiss it. Maybe some will transcend the personality to achieve true enlightenment, but again, the reality is that most of us will never get there. So why not embrace a more realistic paradigm as we seek higher ground?

My definition of Personality in this context is kinda Zen; it incorporates the divine and the human, where both are equally sacred. When I am acting in accordance with my highest form of spirit and my highest form of physical self, then I feel truly divine. We are all One, like the ocean; but even the ocean has individual molecules, atoms, quarks, and quantum particulars that are each unique. Each of us are like those individual unique particles. Don't completely eschew that to become completely one, with anything, or with anybody. Keep that piece of You that is all you. Because people love that about you. People love that about me.. And in this physical realm, in the nuts and bolts of the human experience, The Unique You is a big factor in what makes you connect to those who love you. Being your own individual self functions as your unique calling of becoming part of the whole tribe. If not, then we are all the same; identical quantum particles in one big ocean of oneness. And that sounds pretty fucking boring. 

Developing a self that is true to our nature is like writing the song of your heart, the song of your own unique essence. It's playing the music of who you are for the world to hear and see and experience. And, the truth is that some people are not going to like that song. Just like nobody likes every song on the radio. Musicians who write music from their hearts, and then bleed it on the stage, can not be concerned with who's going to like it and who's not. If they do, they're just trying to please the masses; their just writing vapid, soulless pop hits. Which is probably why I don't like a lot of Top 40 shit. Most of it doesn't have any soul.

We all want to be loved. I want to be loved. But I want to be loved for who I am. I shoot for authenticity, as best I can. That's what people truly connect to. Or not. Make it real or go home. And that process is a perpetual work in process. We are a perpetual work in process. I want to be in that game for life. I want to be in that game with myself, and with you, for life. We can play together. Sing together. Jam together. Love together.

Love yourself, or don't. Let me tell you, however, that the cost of not loving yourself is high. Too high. I've learned that the hard way. We all learn that the hard way (some harder than others). When I push myself away, I push you away. When I don't sing, nobody hears me. Nobody sees me. I don't buy that old adage that "You can't love somebody else until you love yourself". I cry Bullshit on that line. Because for most of my life, I have experienced a lack of self love. And don't tell me that for most of my life I haven't loved anyone. Or that others haven't loved me. 

What I do know, however, is that the kind of love I experience when I increase my love of self is much different. It's fuller. More beautiful. More explosively vibrant. When my song is more in harmony with my heart, it's a passionate cry of my own truth at maximum volume. And if loud music isn't your bag, that's okay. We can still find a way to jam together. The stage of human love is an infinitely vast one.

Just don't expect me to turn it down.

©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.