She's Beautiful

       Most women have no idea how attractive they are. American culture conditions women to be uber-critical of their appearance from the time they are old enough to stand up and look in a mirror. The media barrage to look a certain way is constant, unrelenting, and obsessive. Beauty is stringently defined, and that restrictive definition is mercilessly reinforced.
       Men don’t help the cause. In fact, it can be argued that we created it; advertising and media have traditionally been male dominated industries. But more than that, the vast majority of men are not complimentary of, or effusive with, their intimate female partners. Most men are conditioned to believe that to be too demonstrative towards women, with words or actions, to express how beautiful you find them, is somehow emasculating.
       I grew up with a different role model. My father was an emotional, demonstrative man who showed his love openly, effusively, and often. To men and women. My dad didn’t usually hold back how he felt. He expressed it. Although my dad was an engineer by training and a successful businessman, he was in his heart an artist. He integrated artistry into his life constantly, in a myriad of wonderful ways.
       This apple didn’t fall far from that tree. And I’m very grateful. Especially when I see how the dynamic of mutual affection, communication, effusiveness, and demonstrative actions between lovers plays itself out. Furthermore, this is an area where I know I can help men, women, and couples.
       Appreciating beauty is an aesthetic that needs to be cultivated and nurtured, like a living flower. That’s where our expression starts. How attentive or aware are we normally to the beauty that is all around us, constantly? It’s not just about smelling the roses; it’s about seeing them and acknowledging them for the magnificently beautiful specimens that they are. There is a sensitivity to beauty that often gets drummed out of us for many reasons. I won’t get into those reasons here. But I will say that we had that sense of awe and wonder and reverence for beauty as children. It’s still in us, but we usually have to rediscover it. Especially men.
       I’m not talking about our cultural obsession with the superficial, with what society tells us is “beautiful”. I’m not talking about a shallow appreciation or a lust for models, actresses, or the “beautiful people”. I’m talking about looking at any person and seeing the beauty that is there. I’m talking about looking at your lover with a sense of awe and wonder and rapture. And I’m talking about expressing that to her. Often.
       When we give ourselves over to these feelings of beauty, and allow those feelings to surface, and then take the risk of expressing them to another, we are vulnerable. We open ourselves up to rejection, uncomfortableness, even ridicule. We are exposed. That’s a scary thing, especially for men. I remember hearing this bit of “wisdom” once: “Never let a woman know how beautiful she is. At worst, she’ll use it against you. At best, you’ll be giving up control”.
       Beauty and love are not about control. They are more about surrender. They are about nakedness. To truly appreciate how beautiful your lover is, and to express that, you can’t be concerned with control, or what others will think of it, or with how it looks. You have to completely give yourself over to the experience of beauty. It’s very powerful. Sometimes frighteningly so. But you must first give yourself over to it. Then, channel that power into passionately demonstrative acts of love, affection, and appreciation.
       There is no limit to the number of ways to show someone how positively beautiful you find them. Those ways will sometimes be as individual as you are, and sometimes as common as the human condition of love. The point is to find it in you, and show it. Reconnect to your appreciation of beauty and express that to the one you love.
       She’s beautiful. And she wants to hear it. So tell her.




©2013 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

J.O.T.A.F.O.S.

       We all experience moments of supremely intense doubt. Sometimes these moments stretch into minutes, or even hours. They can be crippling.
       This is not the kind of doubt you experience when you’re not sure if you should get the chef’s special or the chef’s salad. This is the the kind of doubt you experience when you question your value as a person; when you question the value of your contribution to life.
       I used to keep these moments all to myself. I never let any friend or lover or family member in on them. For I was afraid that if anyone, and I mean anyone, knew that this was what was going on in my heart of hearts, that they would literally write me off, right then and there. These doubts felt that ugly, that unacceptable, that disastrous, that shameful. I call this particular fear of instant abandonment the Just One Thought Away From Oblivion Syndrome (J.O.T.A.F.O.S.).  
       There’s a twelve step saying that goes, “We are only as sick as our secrets”. The more secrets we keep, and the deeper and darker the secrets, the more pain we’re in. Conversely, the more we share, the more we heal. Through lots of experience, from being on both sides of that axiomatic fence, I can say, without question, how powerfully true this is.
       I’m much better at sharing these moments of doubt now. I’ll tell someone I love about them. I’ll write prose about them, or create poetry about them. Sometimes I’ll even post those writings to my blog, for anyone to read. Quite a leap from keeping them completely hidden from the whole of humanity. The creating and the sharing diffuse the power of these doubts.
       Creating and sharing also allows me to move through these doubts quicker. If I keep these doubts all to myself, they rattle around inside of me. And, like heavy metal ball bearings sloshing around an otherwise empty dryer, they can do a lot of damage. By sharing, by opening the door and letting them out, I release them. They have less ability to hurt. In fact, they transform. These doubts and feelings can now be used to heal. They can be put to healthy use. Like the creation of art. Or the connection with another person.
       A while ago, not exactly sure when, I wrote this poem during one of those periods of intense doubt.   
          

During the quiet passages of an inner symphony
Between the drum beats of my own heart thunder
Within the preciously small spaces between breaths
In lungs always working to get more air
Woven into the complex pattern of energy
That make up but a single moment of my thinking
I ask the question
Can anybody ever truly love me for all that I am
And for all that I am not?
    
Am I ever going to find a woman
Who will not only embrace me
For the Apparently Occasionally Overwhelming Everything That I Am
But actually Love Me For It?
Will a woman ever find me so complicatedly fascinating
And so lovingly simple to understand
That she can grasp all of it without so much of me slipping through her hands
Will she love me enough
So that I don’t eventually ooze out of her life
Like too much gel through something not vast enough
Or willing enough
To grasp it all?



©2103 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

Clint Dharma

       The first time I ever heard the word “Dharma” was when I was thirteen. I wasn’t checking out any sort of sacred text, however. I was examining the back cover of the first album I ever bought: Agents Of Fortune, by Blue Oyster Cult. The lead guitarist, who’s work I was already in love with, thanks to B.O.C.’s hit “Don’t Fear The Reaper”, was one Donald “Buck Dharma” Roeser. Come to think of it, considering the impact that music would have on me, this was indeed sacred text.
       Sacred musical connection notwithstanding, I would later discover the Sanskrit word “Dharma” to be translated as “sacred duty”, “true nature”, “divine order”, and “life’s work”, amongst many other incomplete definitions. Digging deeper, I discovered that one’s dharma is unique to the individual. In the words of Stephen Cope, from his book The Great Work Of Your Life; “We might say that every person’s dharma is like an internal fingerprint. It is the subtle interior blueprint of a soul.”
       So my dharma is unique to me, and is in fact a function of that which makes me unique, that which makes me, ME. And, I can only be that which I am. According to the concept of dharma, I can not really be anybody I want to be. Although the possibilities are wilder and broader and more incredible than I can imagine, it is not, as some self-help literature suggests, a complete tabula rasa.
        I can not be somebody else, or somebody else’s dharma. To be somebody you are not, to live the dharma of another, to be what you think you should be instead of who you truly are, is to live a life of misery and unfulfillment. So the question really becomes; “Who The Hell Are You and Why Are You Here?”.
       Follow me as I delve deeper into my own very personal and intimate experience with these sacred questions.


©2013 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

   
        

Professional Re-Purpose-er

“There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask ‘why’... I dream of things that never were, and ask ‘why not?’ .”
                                                 - Robert F. Kennedy

    
       When I look at something as it is, the question always rolling around in the background is “What else could it be. What are the possibilities here?”. I don’t do this just with physical items, but with situations, circumstances, relationships, perhaps even the experience of life itself.
       This is a double edged sword. On the downside, it can make it challenging for me to accept what is. Because a corollary to seeing what things could be is that I naturally see the undercurrents, the subtext, the silent stories. I am drawn to what’s underneath, to what’s below the surface. I tend to swim in the deep part of the ocean, not the shallows.
       A great skill perhaps, but it can also make dealing with reality difficult, and it can frustrate those who do not see what’s underneath, or don’t even care about it. My challenge is to deal with both what is and what could be without dichotomizing. Without polarizing the surface or the depth, the superficial or the more substantial. For this is truly the yin and the yang at work in life. One could not exist without the other; they are both necessary for the existence of each other.
       On the upside, this propensity to ask "What else could it be?" contributes to my standing as a Professional Re-Purpose-er. I repurpose whatever I can. I don’t see things in the box of what they are “supposed” to be, of what they “should” be, of what they are “commonly” known for, or as.  
        It’s an attitude more than a way of thinking. It’s not just a cognitive construct. It’s a way of being in the world. It’s not just about thinking outside the box. It’s about living outside the box.
       You don’t have to be a crazy artist to do this. You can apply it, in small ways, in however it works, into your own life, no matter how traditional or conventional areas of your life are. In upcoming webinars, podcasts, and live presentations, I’ll guide people on how to do this. Here and now, I can give you a glimpse into how it works for me, and maybe provide you with some insight into how it may work for you.
       Over the weekend, I walked by a Victoria's Secret store and saw these very cool ultra sparkly spandex pants pictured in a giant window display. If I had a girlfriend, I would have immediately thought of how great she would look in them. I would buy her a pair, and ask her to try them on for me. If she didn’t like them, or if they weren’t her cup of tea, even for just hanging around the house, no problem. Return them, and get something you like, baby. Oh, but I’m keeping the pair I bought for myself......
       When I saw these pants, my Re-Purpose way of being naturally and immediately asked  the question “What else could this Female Casual Wear be?”. That question was then immediately answered with “Male Halloween Costume”. So in I went, made friends with a few of the female support staff, and walked out with a pair. It was a fun and different experience for everybody. We all made new connections, however brief and transient. The staff made a sale, and I had a pair of killer pants. And when I told them what the pants were for, after I modeled them upon request, they told me they wanted pictures from wherever I spent Halloween. Everybody wins.
       At a wedding I attended, the name and table assignment card holders got re-purposed into giant pieces of bling. With just some imagination and scotch tape, graciously provided by the bar tenders. When I looked at the decorative plastic diamonds, I saw possibilities, not card holders. Then I came up with something that I liked. Something that spoke to me. In so doing, several of the women at the wedding saw what I did, dug it, and wanted some of what I had. So I helped them out. Again, it was fun, it was different, it helped us connect. I created something, and then we created something. That’s what it’s all about for me.  
       Silly examples? Maybe. But this is the raw material, the grist for the mill, of a more creative life; of a life with more fun, more self expression, more connection, more vitality. All, in part, because of Re-Purposing. All because of painting outside the lines. We all have the capacity to engage in this, in a countless variety of ways that suit and benefit our own lives.
       Paint outside the lines today. Somewhere. Somehow. Then tell me about it in the comments section. Let’s create something that wasn’t there before.


©2013 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

Flying By The Seat of Our Pants

       Yesterday, I spent the day and night with framly (that’s not a typo, and you won’t find the word in Webster’s. I just made up. “Framly” means “friends who I consider family”.). Whilst waiting to be seated at dinner, the cute maitre d in the sparkly blouse caught my eye. When she leaned over to say something to me in the busy restaurant, I liked the way she smelled. So, sizing up the situation, within three minutes, I knew the following: I liked the way she looked, I liked the way she dressed, I liked the way she smelled. I looked for a ring, and didn’t see one. Roger that, Houston. We are a go.
       After dinner, as we were leaving the restaurant, I asked her if I could take her out for coffee sometime. She smiled. She blushed. She stammered. Then she started laughing nervously. I smiled at her and humorously said “You’re laughing at me? I guess I’ll take that as a ‘no’ “. She kept smiling, and blushing, and laughing, and then said something definitive and clear, like, “Well, um, ah, yeah, I mean, it’s like, well......”.
       I knew she had just started working there, so she was probably caught off guard. Her reaction certainly appeared to have a healthy dose of surprise, and it was clear that she really didn’t know how to respond. After all, she could have easily just said, “No thank you”. Maybe she wasn’t versed on the restaurant’s management policy regarding socializing with patrons. Who knows. Anyway, despite the rejection, nebulous as it may be, I left with a smile on my face. She was still smiling as well.
       Being a deep thinker, I sometimes fall into the trap of over-thinking. To balance that, I consciously cultivate my awareness to discern when it’s best for me to just fly by the seat of my pants. If I had mind fucked all the possible reasons, professional and personal, why this woman could say no; or analyzed the logistics (for example, she most likely lives at least two hours from where I do); or dwelled on the fact that I had literally just met her and we knew absolutely nothing about each other; I could have easily talked myself out of asking her for coffee. Fortunately, I immediately decided that this was not a time for analysis, or even thinking. This was a time to act from within and go with my flow. She looked good. She smelled good. I was there. So was she. Ask her out. No harm. No foul. All she can do is say no. Which she did. Sort of.
       Whenever we put ourselves out there, seek a connection with another, ask for what we want, expose something about what we think or what we feel, share even just a little bit of ourselves, we run a myriad of risks. Rejection. Uncomfortableness. Ridicule. Shame. Not being accepted. Not being received. Not being liked. Not being loved. Associated with those risks is some level of pain; and the fear of that pain is what often prevents us from taking such risks. Even little ones. And certainly big ones.
       When I’m flying by the seat of my pants, I’m not thinking about those risks. I'm not thinking about the potential pain. I’m not even thinking about the potential reward. I’m focused instead on the here and now. On what feels fun and exciting and daring and sometimes even a little nuts. In the right context, that’s all I need to do. Like riding a roller coaster, life in these moments is best served by immersing oneself in the excitement of the moment, not on reminding oneself of the statistical odds of the track severing just prior to your initial descent.
       Take a little risk today. Talk to someone you want to, just because you want to. Open up to your friend, or to a member of your framly, or to your lover, just a little more than you might usually. Spread your wings, fly by the seat of your pants, just a little more brazenly, than you did yesterday.



©2013 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.