Scar Tissue
Monday, January 12, 2009 at 4:25PM Sometimes, I’m reluctant to write about something because I’m afraid of where I’ll go. Uncovering old wounds that have scarred over can create a great deal of pain. But those wounds need the air and the light of day that writing provides. So eventually, I push through my fear and put it to the page.
Scar tissue, around a physical or emotional injury, is our last ditch effort to protect the place that got traumatized. It’s a wondrous system that lets us keep going. But the scar remains. Physically, and emotionally, the scar reminds us of what happened.
I have some scars on my body. And I wouldn’t want them removed for anything. I’m a very physical person, and like a lot of men, I wear my scars proudly as badges of honor. Each one represents a battle, of one form or another, that I survived. It’s a guy thing.
The most significant scars are the two on my lower back They remind me that in 1998, when I was thirty-five, I had back surgery. My post operative recovery was a horror show, and it was almost a year before I felt like myself again. Like I said. Survivor of a battle.
When I see myself today, ten years later, in the best shape of my life, never looking or feeling better, the scars are a beautiful reminder of how much my body has healed. The scars tell me that that my body used to be somewhere else. That I used to be somewhere else. They reiterate the fact that I’ve clawed my way back to health. That I’ve driven myself well past where I used to be, and onto where I am today. The scars tell a story of my past, and in doing so provide a context for my present and for my future. So I thank those scars for what they give me.
Emotional scars are a little different. Maybe there’s a gender aspect to it. Most women I know don’t dig physical scars on their body the way guys do. But many women see their emotional scars as signs of strength and toughness and perseverance. Kind of how a guy looks at the ones on his body. Most men probably look at their emotional scars as defects, or weakness’s, just as a woman may see her physical scars as flaws.
Which brings me to another reason that I sometimes have trouble writing about something: I’m afraid that showing these emotional scars is a sign of weakness. That, unlike my physical scars, these emotional ones make me less of a man; just as many women feel that physical scars make them less attractive. Less feminine.
I can be guilty of having a double standard for myself, as many of us do. Whereas I see the emotional scars of others as tender, beautiful places that need love and attention and healing, I often have trouble seeing my own emotional scars with the same compassion. I all too often see them as flaws. The big, deep ones, I can see as horrible defects that render me unlovable.
If I fall into that trap, however, I’m being run by my ego. I’m not walking the walk of self love. To view my own scars as tragic defects is to succumb to the very thinking that’s kept me prisoner. By not embracing all of who I am, even the parts that are still in pain, I’m effectively betraying my self.
And every emotional scar, like every wound, contains a gift. Even if I can’t always see that or believe it. My wounds help tell my story. They are unique to me and thus differentiate my story from anyone else’s, and at the same time connect me to everyone on the planet. My scars remind me that I still have work to do. And through that work, I grow and change and recover my authentic self. They show me my path. Where I need to go to heal.
I’m proud to say that I’ve shared some of my most personal joys and pains through this website. I’ll continue to do so.
I thus bare to you some scars that have not completely healed, even though the knife that created them was wielded some thirty-five years ago. I’ve been working on these scars for years, and I’m making progress. But I’ve never shared some of them through my writing. They go deep. As deep as they can. They cut all the way into me, which is why I’m still working on them.
©2009 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and a scarring amount of Wrongs) Reserved.
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Reader Comments (9)
Nice. Whats the Red Hot Chili Pepper lyric? "...scar tissue that I wish you saw...? You are bearing it Clint, for all to see. And its powerful and its beautiful, and its painful. And even if you cant always quite follow the directives that your heart is giving you, (not allowing emotional work and healing to be as evident of strength as physical scarring), you are still hearing the buoy bell of your heart through the fog of your ingrained/learned postures of being ""manly". I also think you have a good point about women wearing emotional scars as badges of honor and rejecting physical ones as a diminisher of beauty. Sadly true, but just as unhealthy. Best to embrace ourselves as a whole package, a complex and ever changing bundle of cells and emotion, each unique in our coping methods, experiences, and life paths. Each utterly worthy of unconditional self love as we move through this process called life.
Think about this, blizzard lover. As you watch the snow fall, gently coating the landscape with a soothing blanket of white, transforming the world, remember that it is scientific fact that each and every flake is different, born under similar conditions, changed as they fall to earth. Whether landing as picture perfect tiny crystals or bunchy wet blobs, all unique. Of all the billions of flakes that make up a snowy scene, no two are exactly identical, like people. . And all the individuals together have incredible power and beauty. Love it. "...What a wonderful world..."
Beautiful comment, asven. Thank you. Your words echo so much of what I'm writing about. And like an echo, they sound familiar but have a resonance and a timbre all their own.
Clint
Clint,
Screw this! don't be afraid to let those wounds and scars heal , you are you! and if you are "truly you"! someone will see that and like & appreciate the man you are!....you can't turn back time, only learn from it!......you need to live life instead of lamenting... use this film, blog, and creative "no fear" balls attitude FOR YOU!
Someone will pay $ you for your observations on your environment, life, love of life, love of the stars,weather,observations of observations .....I think you do not realize what you CAN do and what you possess!! I cannot let you waste it ...why don't your friends tell you this more often ( well lets give the love and if necessary tough love...that's the good stuff you jam and hide inside for fear of losing a friend)...fear no more! real friends will risk it.
...get over yourself and talking about the journey and move into the experience of the journey ..if you keep self talking yourself you will suffocate yourself .....sometimes there is no talking to you because you hear what you want to hear and no one can tell you different !... your friends will tell you but you don't really listen,when you are in your baggage (review it ,learn from it and put it away, ...and I mean the baggage!) .......so get up because you are healthy, smart, talented and have the world by the balls and live like you used to! ...BUT NOW WITH your NEW awareness put it into action!
.This might help get you warmed up ....haven't "we" been warming up for years! you are ready!!!! R.E.A.D.Y!!! ... lets light the fuse on this blog and apply it dude!! spark it up... this will hopefully wake you up to live life & stop bitchin and to move on for all the potential you have been REPRESSING. This Job BELOW has your name all over it !!!
call me ........love ya & you can do it! ....if i could do this job together with you I would!
Don't beat yourself up ...the world can "TRY" to do it for you! ...but that ain't gonna happen if i can help it!
remember....
"Wake up everyone! how can you sleep at a time like this unless the dreamer is the real you...listen to your voice, the one that tells you to
taste past the tip of your tongue.... leap and the net will appear! -JM-
love ya pal!
*Note you mentioned in a previously blog "Australia" IT IS a sign bro! ( .....thats for all the spiritual people searching out there!)
Australia offers 'best job in world' on paradise island
Tue Jan 13, 1:52 am ET
AFP/File – An Australian state has launched a global search for candidates for "the best job in the world" …
SYDNEY (AFP) – An Australian state has launched a global search for candidates for "the best job in the world" -- earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful tropical island for six months.(Can and will lead to bigger film gigs! just taste past the tip of your tongue")
The job pays 150,000 Australian dollars (105,000 US dollars) and includes free airfares from the successful applicant's home country to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef, Queensland's state government announced on Tuesday.
In return, the "island caretaker" will be expected to stroll the white sands, soak up the sun, snorkel the reef, "maybe clean the pool" -- and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates.(Clint are they kidding ! if you don't call i will for you!!)
The winner, who will stay rent-free in a multi-million dollar three-bedroom beach home (oh Jeez I can't believe it ! i wanna go! better than the cape!!) complete with plunge pool and golf buggy(Clint, like the old days a golf cart and no one to claim the keys), must be an excellent communicator (when your eyes are not hyperfocused on yourself but other than that ,...that's You Dude!!)and be able to speak and write English.(comprehensive english! Just kidding..."i kid because i Love" )
"They'll also have to talk to media from time to time about what they're doing so they can't be too shy (ooh no clint ,i think you are too timid HaHa) and they'll have to love the sea (Clint!), the sun(Clint!), the outdoors(Clint!!!!)," said acting state Premier Paul Lucas.
"The fact that they will be paid to explore the islands of the Great Barrier Reef, swim, snorkel and generally live the Queensland lifestyle makes this undoubtedly the best job in the world."
Lucas said the campaign was part of a drive to protect the state's 18 billion Australian dollar a year tourism industry during the tough economic climate caused by the global financial meltdown.( clint you know economics,climate,and finance shit i wanna call them i can hardly contain myself...Go Bro!!!)
While the campaign has elements of some reality television shows, a candidate's looks will not be a prime requirement (Clint ..to easy! ;) ), Tourism Queensland chief executive Anthony Hayes told AFP.
"No, I don't think beautiful is what we want, I think charismatic (Clint!)is what we want," he said. "The reality is we are looking for a fantastic communicator.(Clint beauty and charismatic! ....i threw ya a bone on the beauty ;) )
"What we want this person to do is travel throughout the Great Barrier Reef and just try every experience, (fuck yea Clint!)every adventure they can find and report back via blogs and video to tell the world (Clint! tell the world !!!!!!!!) why Queensland is a great place to come for a holiday."
Tourism Minister Desley Boyle said some people might question whether it was risky to let an unknown person become an unofficial tourism spokesperson for the state.(Clint ? unknown for about 15 minutes...till you work the magic!)
"I think the biggest risk will be that the successful candidate won't want to go home at the end of the six months," she said.
"This is a legitimate job which is open to anyone and everyone."
Applications are open until February 22. Eleven shortlisted candidates will be flown to Hamilton Island in early May for the final selection process and the six month contract will commence on July 1.
Call me bro! and you know who I am!!!!
....remember "leap and the net will appear!"
13th catalyst,
Whatever you're snorting, give me a hit! Thanx for the unbridled encouragement. Very, very inspiring my friend.
I will call you. Promise.
Clint
My advise Clint is go and live in paradise pal.......what are you waiting for?
Diamond Dave
this is so perfect for you. Visualize it, go for it, dont hold back. Whats to lose????
Thanx for the encouragement, all. And of course I'm going for it. I'll keep you posted.
Clint
I aggree to the previous post, great posting, Maria
juvederm
I found a link to this post on another blog site. This is beautiful. I have done the same thing...regarded others' suffering and scars in much the same way you have, while seeing my own as horrible flaws that make me unworthy of love. I have gotten to a point where I am doing much better with that as a survivor instead of seeing myself as a victim. Thank you for sharing your beautiful eloquent words with us all.
Love and light,
Lucky Star
www.victimnomore.wordpress.com