June 12, 2008: Z-Day

        Why “Z-Day”? Because “D-Day” was already taken. An alternative explanation could simply be, paraphrasing a burping, drunken brother Blutarsky from Delta Tau Chi: “Why not!?”
        Actually, I just like the ring of Z-Day. And although the moniker is silly and arbitrary, the day that it denotes is not. Not for me anyway.
        It was a year ago today that I literally felt something inside of me move. A little explosion happening just in the space of my being that rearranged my mind and altered how I felt, about almost everything, in the course of a single moment.
        I didn’t know it in that moment, but my heart had exploded. Shut down and hiding in isolation within the darkness of my pain since my dad had died twenty months before, my heart finally allowed some light to enter the prison that it had walled itself inside of. And that light caused a blast. A big blast.
        Just like in a real explosion, the second before it happens, things look and feel one way. And the moment after it happens, everything is different.
        Inside of me, I could feel that something big had occurred. But I could not fathom how big. Nor could I grasp how drastically it’s consequences would change my life. I just knew I was different. I just knew that my life had somehow changed from what it was just a second before.
        The heart explosion happened so fast and so powerfully that my mind and body immediately went into a kind of shock. I actually felt myself disappear for a minute, just after it happened. I felt a rush sweep over me, a massive wave of feeling crashing against my insides, and then I was gone. I came back a minute later.
        In a flash too bright for the rest of me to see, my heart was now once again alive. My heart could now once again allow itself to feel. My path had just changed. Drastically.
        The catalyst for this explosion that was to alter my life was my heart’s blinding realization that I was madly in love with the woman I was looking at. And I had been for a long time.
        Please join me on my next post for more gut wrenching honesty and all the gory details....


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