Lick It. Bite It. Suck it. (part 4)
Friday, June 5, 2009 at 8:38AM If I think of my whole personality as a big symphony orchestra, with many different instruments, or parts of me, all trying to play the same song, the song of my life, then it’s easier for me to understand my internal dynamics. Each one of my parts, or sub-personalities, is like a musician in the symphony of Clint, each with a a job to do. There’s Self Conscious Guy, who keeps me “safe” by telling me not to risk rejection. He’s like the tuba player: a background instrument. And there’s Dancin’ Boy, who wants all the attention, all of the time, or life’s just no fun at all. He’s like first violin; a lead instrument as opposed to a supportive one. And because he’s a lead instrument, I identify with Dancin’ Boy more than I do Self Conscious Guy. He’s more in the front, more visible, and he’s playing a melody that’s closer to my heart. Just like first violin.
But just like in a real symphony, all of the parts, all of the instruments, are important. If I want the song to sound it’s best, if I want my life to be firing on all cylinders, then I have to find a way to make all of my inner parts work together. Just because I identify with one sub-personality, with one instrument, more than another, it doesn’t mean that the other instruments aren’t important. In fact, just like in a somewhat psychotic symphony, where each instrument is an extremist just like each one of my sub-personalities are, if one instrument doesn’t get enough attention, doesn’t get heard enough, he plays louder and harder, even if it fucks up the rest of the orchestra. Because damn it, he’s got to be heard, and being a myopic extremist, he doesn’t care if the rest of the orchestra gets blown up in the process.
Conducting this cacophony of instruments is my true self, my higher being, the real me. Just like the conductor of a symphony orchestra, he has to make it all work. He has to be in charge. If not, it’s chaos; just like it was for me at The Gypsy Bar. First violin Dancin’ Boy and tuba player Self Conscious Guy were taking over the orchestra, and instead of getting them to play together, I just let them jam on their own, the result being considerable discord.
I couldn’t find my conductor that night. I was aware of the disharmony within me, but I wasn’t aware of how to help it. The more conscious I become, the more work I do on myself, the better I’ll be at identifying exactly what’s going on and how to correct it, all while it’s happening. Because I couldn’t do that the other night, my symphony was out of sorts. So I was out of sorts. Not terribly, but enough to know that I wasn’t fully present. I wasn’t showing up the way I wanted to. I wasn’t being enough of myself. My song, the song of Clint, wasn’t sounding like it could have if my inner world was more in harmony.
Here’s what it sounded like inside my head that night:
Dancin’ Boy: Yowza, look at those women dancing! I want a piece of that! Let’s get out there and shake it up! I need some lovin’, some attention, and they look just right for the job!
Self Conscious Guy: No way. Look at them They’re gorgeous. You’re mojo isn’t workin’ at 100% tonight, and that’s what you would need to even have a chance with getting them to even look at you. Besides, it’s too bright in here, and everybody can see what you’re doing.
Dancin’ Boy: Fuck that! The band is hot, the chicks are hot, and damn it so am I! I’ve got more style than any other guy in this room! And there are no other dudes dancing! It’s all women! And I can dance! C’mon, this is perfect! You’ve already said hello to that blond at the bar. Go over and ask her to dance! It’s “Livin’ On A Prayer”, by Bon Jovi for god’s sake, and I’m in New Jersey! The song’s got a great groove, and the place is hoppin! They WANT to dance with a guy! They want to dance with ME! Look, they came all the way over from the other side of the room to dance next to our table so they could be closer to me!
Self Conscious Guy: I’m not convinced. Stay here and hang with your buddies. It’s safe talking to them and just ogling the women. You can’t get hurt doing that. Just stay put.
My higher self, the orchestra’s conductor, wasn’t in the building that night. So these two just went at it, unabated, the whole time. When I can find that conductor, that is, when I’m more conscious and present and in the moment, I’m more myself. I’m integrated, and more of me shows up. Not just one or two parts hell bent on getting their way. And I’m able to listen to all my parts without getting too caught up in any of them, the way a good conductor leads a symphony.
If I had been able to find my conductor that night, there would have been another, less extreme, voice that would have directed my inner dialogue.
Higher Self: Okay, I’ve heard you two, and we’re going to have to come together on this. I know you’re trying to protect me Self Conscious Guy, and I appreciate it. But if rejection comes my way, I’ll be able to handle it. I’ll laugh it off and have a good story to tell. And Dancin’ Boy, I get how bad you want attention. That’s not a bad thing. But we’re not going to judge whether the evening was a success or not based on how much attention we got from women. I feel like dancing, so I’m going to ask them if they want to join me. Whatever happens, we’ll be fine. And my college friends are here with me. So either I’ll get ribbed for striking out or exalted for dancing with the hottest babes in the bar. It’s all good. Hey, we’re in Atlantic City with a bunch of guys we love. What could be better than that?
When I’m more myself, that’s what it sounds like inside my head. Sometimes I’m there, and sometimes I’m not. But I’m going in the right direction. My symphony is sounding better, sounding more like me, more often. My song is getting out there a lot more these days, and I love the way it sounds.
©2009 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and a Psychotic Symphony of Wrongs) Reserved.
Being Yourself, Change 
Reader Comments (2)
Hey Clint, here's to getting your conductor on-board more often.
I'll be the triangle, sitting back, waiting for just that right moment to ring out, ringing true.
Love the Tuba visual.
-j
Hey John, thanks for the support. As a man on a path, it moves me to know that you get this. From what I can tell, your conductor shows up quite often, which is inspiring to me. You have a great energy, and I really dig being around it. As I've told you before, you are a gifted teacher.
And every orchestra needs a triangle. So you just wait for your moment, and let it ring!
Clint