Mach 2

       A few years ago, when I started my blog, I had my P.A.M. (Physical Appearance Mojo) workin’. I looked great. But I was in a lot of emotional pain. My body was ripped. So was my heart. I called my blog “Muscleheart”.
       I liked the name. It had a ring to it. It spoke to me, so I hoped it would speak to others.
       Four years ago this month, I reconnected with my feelings, after being shut down and depressed for over a year and a half following the unexpected death of my father. My heart opened up and literally exploded with emotion. It was full and open and expressive. And my body looked good and felt strong. It occurred to me that a man can be “buff” and still be a deeply feeling, emotionally available, highly expressive being. The muscle and the heart were not mutually exclusive. I was living proof.
       I wanted to share that message, because it’s a message that lots of men, and women, need to hear. I believe that then. And I believe that now.
       So many men (and women too) armor themselves from feeling. They do this by shutting themselves down emotionally. They just simply condition themselves to stop feeling very much. This often physically manifests itself with an armoring of muscle. The outsides are supposed to match the insides. Tough. Hard. Can’t be hurt. A rock. A man’s man.
       But I experienced this as a contradiction. An unnecessary paradigm. Because the truth was that no matter how much muscle I had, I still hurt like hell on the inside.
       Almost four years later, my circumstances are similar, although with some major differences. My heart is once again experiencing an opening, after being shut down, to varying degrees, for varying periods of time, for some time. I have recently lost my other parent, as my mom passed away just over a month ago. My body is not quite where I want it to be, but it’s getting there. I’m working harder at it than I have in months. And I hurt. Sometimes a lot.        
       My writing helped me then, and it will help me now. There is so much in my heart, in my mind, that I want to express. More than that, when I write my best, I sometimes feel less like a lone individual pouring his heart out and more like a conduit for some greater intelligence, some deeper truth, some higher power. I want to experience that again. And I want to share that again.
       Whilst simply writing brings me riches beyond measure, there are treasures untold when I share what I write. When I express myself. when I share myself, through my writing, through my music, indeed through my living, I feel more fully alive. So that’s what I’m going for.
       I will keep the focus on myself. I will get back to my Muscle. I will get back to my Heart.

© 2012 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and Supersonic Wrongs) Reserved.