A One In A Sea of Twos, Threes, and Fours

       Currently missing from my life is a strong sense of community; a sense of belonging. Sometimes I feel like an afterthought in my own plans.
       Having never been married or had children, unlike many of my friends and relatives, I don’t have a family nucleus.
       Even though I’m starting my own business, and have a team of people working with me to make that happen, it’s still a highly solitary pursuit. Not having a particular work place to go to every day further disconnects me from the communal element of a traditional job. And I love to write, but writing is again something I do alone.
       Although I have reconciled with my family of origin, and we are all getting along well, I do not always feel a strong sense of community with them. I love them all, and I enjoy our time together. But there is a certain distance that I still need from keep. Maybe someday that will change. But right now, I need space from them.
       Only over the last several years have I come to wanting a deep and highly intimate relationship with a single life partner and commit to only her. That hasn’t happened yet. It will, and I’m not forlorn about it. But I don’t yet have someone to share my life with.
       I have lived alone for my entire adult life,; never had roommates, and never lived with a woman. The condominium I currently inhabit is mine, but it doesn’t feel like home anymore. It’s a transitional abode. I used to live in a house, and that was home. But that hasn’t been the case for a few years now.
       On every front, there is a sense of oneness, of aloneness, of existing in and of myself. I have created that, consciously and unconsciously, because that is the reality. So there is a part of me that wants that, or has wanted that. And that part is in conflict with the piece of me that craves community, and being part of something bigger than myself, and everything that goes with it.
       I realize that everybody has elements of community and solitariness in their lives. It gives a sense of balance. I guess what I’m acutely aware of is how out of balance I feel right now around this. And because I’ve done it this way for so long, I’m not really sure I know how to get in balance with it.
       I’ll figure it out; I’ll ask for help; I’ll shift and grow and make the changes I need to. I’m moving towards it. But right now, in this moment, it’s scary.


©2013 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.     

Comments

[Tara]

Clint,
I applaud you for being so open an honest about this. It doesn’t surprise me that you are so open because you do write from your heart, but this is a tough one to admit to sometimes. I know I feel that way myself, you are not alone, but most don’t want to admit it. Hell, I am struggling with the fact that I am putting it out there right now. You can be surrounded by people who you care about but still not feel that sense of community. I was married at one point (very short lived marriage) and have a child and still feel that way, especially now that my son is grown and gone. I am close to the rest of my family, but not at the same time, there is a distance and always has been. I am very close to my one cousin she is like a sister to me but still feel like an outsider at times. I have searched for that person to have that deep connection to share the rest of my life with, but for a long time was searching for the wrong reasons and searching for the wrong things to be honest. I have lived with others several times but always still felt alone, never felt “at home” until a couple of years ago, I finally lived in a place that felt like home, but that changed when my son left and I don’t feel that anymore. Your timing on this post is kind of funny to me in a way because I was just telling someone the other night that I was thinking about just selling everything (“my stuff” because I just rent my house) and starting over someplace different, that I would almost rather feel alone and actually be alone than feel alone surrounded by people I know and care about. There is a part of me that is in serious conflict with the need/want for a companion/partner for life as I enjoy being single in the fact that I can pretty much do what I want when I want and with whoever without “consulting” with someone else but at the same time there is too much inside of me to keep to myself, I need to share that, the deep love, compassion, friendship with an intimate partner, someone in which we each want to explore the rest of our lives with. I have no doubt that you will find that person for you, as you have too much to keep inside to yourself as well and yes it is scary, scary as hell. I think about how scary it is on a daily basis when I see friends of my parents who are alone and pretty much always have been, that that will be me, but then I remember that it is a choice for some and I don’t choose to be alone forever and will find someone because of that choice and because I have too much to share. I thank you for being open and heartfelt, not just in this post but in all of your writing because it helps those of us who sometimes think we are alone in our feelings (good and bad) realize we are not.

[Clint Piatelli]

Wow, Tara. Thank you. So honest, open, and insightful. It moves me to know that we are not alone in this occasional aloneness. Keep connecting and reaching out.

Clint