No Longer A Choice

       Back in my mid twenties, I made the decision that, if I wanted to remain fit and healthy, resistance training, cardiovascular work, and eating right were mandatory. They were not optional. It was not only a conscious decision, but it required a very deep internal commitment. My heart and soul bought into it, as well as my mind. 

       Over the years - my few episodes of self-destructive behavior notwithstanding - that mental, physical, and emotional commitment was behind the consistent work I did to maintain great health and a nice physique. I wanted to look, and feel, a certain way. So I had to do certain things to get that. 

       In the past, I dabbled with yoga and meditation. I practiced inconsistently, sporadically, and sometimes, not at all. There was some mental resistance regarding both, and I can't even put my finger on what that resistance was, except to say that I wasn't very good at either. Now, I know some of you Yogis and meditation practitioners are going to say "There is no being 'good' at it, there is just the doing of it", or something like that, and you're right. But I'm talking about how I framed my experience, not wether my framing made any sense or not. It made sense to me at the time. I thought I sucked at it, so I didn't do it. Period.

       Looking back, that's a pretty childish attitude. And when my kid is running the decision making in any part of my life, that part of my life needs examining. For whatever reasons, I didn't stick with either yoga or meditation with enough consistency for them to make lasting impacts on my life. Basically, I thought I had the option of not doing them, and still being able to live a healthy life. 

       Well, I don't have that option anymore.

       The gift of desperation got me into treatment for depression, and treatment included practicing meditation and yoga consistently over the past two months. During that time, something shifted. Actually, a shit load has shifted in me over the past 60 days. My attitude towards meditation and yoga is part of a larger, deeper, more comprehensive awakening. But it's an important part.

       I've realized that I don't really have the option anymore to not meditate or practice yoga if I want to be healthy. Or certainly not if I want to be as healthy as I feel right now, and trending sharply upwards. They have become, along with resistance training, cardio, and proper nutrition, staples of my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. I've made an internal commitment towards yoga and meditation that was never there before. And that has made all the difference.

       What's really changed is my relationship to both practices. And when one's relationship, to anything, or anyone, changes, it can reverberate as a paradigm shift across one's life. Now, there's a certain "Something" that was never there before. Its kind of like when you find a special relationship with a special someone; there's a Je Ne Sais Quoi that's never been present before. That's how I feel about mediation and yoga now, versus how I felt about them say, a year ago.

       Maybe I had to get to the point where I no longer recognized my life so that I could save it. I certainly had ample opportunities in the past to develop practices. I've gone out with several women who were really into it. My last love is an accomplished instructor, and the most dedicated and passionate practitioner I ever met. When we were together, I did it more than I had in years (yoga and meditation, I mean.....and yes, the other thing too), but still not enough to make a big, lasting impact on my life.

       I remember telling her "I want more of what you have"; she was so grounded, so positive, quite present, and had more peace than I did (not to mention an absolutely beautiful, tight little body that was far more supple and flexible than mine). And she attributed a lot of that to her yoga and meditation practices. I really did want more of that, but, for whatever reasons, I wasn't ready to get it. Knowing what I know now, perhaps I just didn't believe I deserved it.

       My body was actually willing, because when we practiced together, she told me how receptive my body was to yoga. I couldn't feel that (to me it felt like I was fighting it the whole way) but she could. I realize now that my body was indeed willing, but my mind was not. My mind was in resistance mode. I'm grateful that I don't pay nearly as much attention to my mind as I used to. And, ironically, yoga and meditation have had a lot to do with that. 

       Now, I often actually look forward to both yoga and mediation, whereas before, I usually met both with a sense of obligatory dread - like taking castor oil; "I don't really like it, but I know it's good for me". For years, the gym, the earth under my feet when I ran, or the street under my wheels when I biked, were places - not only physical places, but places of the heart and mind - that fed me. Nourished me. Gave me something I couldn't get anyplace else. Lifting, running, and biking, gave me a rush of prolonged delight. Well now I can say that about the yoga studio, and about wherever I meditate, as well. 

       I still intend to be one jacked bad ass rocker. I'm just gonna be a more flexible, enlightened, grounded, and mindful jacked bad ass rocker.

 ©2017, Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.