Hitting It Hard

To say that I hit the ground running when I entered treatment would be a gross understatement; it's more like I hit the ground with warp engines on my heels. The very first day, somebody asked me, "Where do you get all your energy? You're here for depression, right?". My answer came out almost before she was through talking; "I'm so ready for this shit."

Getting myself to fully commit to something can be a painstaking internal process. I have the ability to see a lot of the angles; hence I naturally see the alternatives, the myriad of possibilities. It makes me a fantastic mediator, because not only can I see both sides of the issue, I see sides that may or may not even be there. I don't see a box. I see a whole little universe. 

Once I do fully commit, however, I run hard, and I run deep. I run with a passion, an intensity, and a fury that can inspire, or move, or even alienate some. I'm not for everybody. Jump on board, watch from the sidelines, or get out of the way. That's just how I roll. 

Most of my troubles around commitment center around going into something half-assed, which I can also be guilty of. What I've learned is, if I am going into something half-assed, I need to slow the process down; to re-asses whether I want to be in it at all. That wasn't the case when I decided to get help for my life long battle with depression, anxiety, and negative self-talk. Like cliff diving, I jumped off, head first, trusting the divine, with an open heart and an open mind.

Being so ready, so open, and having nothing to hang my hat on but myself literally forced me to do it different; It was indeed The Gift of Desperation, and so much more than that. Let's use the analogy of an intimate relationship, from a heterosexual male perspective (the only one I have any authority on, although I feel this works across any and all sexual preference contexts); She may be the right woman; but is it the right time? Well, treatment was the right option. And, Fuckin' A, this was the right time. 

My formidable defenses weren't just down, they weren't even functioning. How much more ready could I be? For the first time in my life.....In My Life.....I was miserable living in a place, my place mind you, but a place I didn't want to live. The holidays, usually a very festive time for me, had only heightened my loneliness. My work on my book, the only purpose I had found in a long time, had ground to a halt. I had lost the only woman I had ever felt a truly magical connection with. A big chunk of my future felt scuttled. I had been abusing substances, daily, for four months to stave off depression. If not now, then when? I mean, really. What the fuck more was it gonna take? I had completely lost my sense of self. This was my bottom: My Nuclear Emotional and Spiritual Holocaust. 

And, despite my extreme vulnerability and burgeoning rawness, I retained some of my horse sense. My well developed intelligence and analytical acumen was alive and well in certain areas, and it was actually communicating with my heart. I sensed my intuition and trusted it. So I experienced The Holy Trinity of Decision Convergence: Heart. Mind. Gut. All telling me the same thing. All telling me exactly what to do and exactly where to go.

This was not a path that I would have willingly chosen. But, life is smarter than I am. It always gives me what I need, not always what I want. I would never have chosen this path of pain. And yet, I know, it is what's best for me. Not because I know the answers. But because I know the fuckin' questions. To quote Bono; "We thought we had the answers, It was the questions we had wrong". 

Not anymore. I was finally asking the right questions. And I was finally looking in the right places, both inside myself and inside the right environment, to find the answers.

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