Mother Kym (part 1)

My mother loved me very much. She just didn’t know how to show it. My mom died in May of 2012. I have nothing but empathy and love for her. She didn’t get mothering as a child, and her generation wasn’t remotely aware of personal development. So she could never give me what she never got. 

Contrary to what some believe, the work I'm doing actually creates more love and empathy, not less, for my parents. I understand my mother so much better. I understand her suffering. Because it’s the same suffering I experienced. Although I’m glad she isn’t around to read this, I wish she was still here so I could continue my relationship with her. My mom and I got much closer as we got older. When I visited her in her senior living pad, we would always hold hands. That never happened when I was younger. 

My version of what healthy mothering looked like before I got into treatment was incomplete and somewhat distorted. Because I never got it, I really didn’t know what healthy mothering was. I’ve begun separating mothering from what I want and need in an intimate relationship. Eventually, I won’t look to my lover to mother me, consciously or unconsciously, so I won’t have to bite back on it. That means I won’t inadvertently and unintentionally create any of the distance that is an unavoidable by-product of shutting down a need. 

Nurturing the child. Preparing the child for the road ahead. Protecting the child. Those are The Big Three for a mom. I didn't get that. Many of us don't. It leaves wounds and scars. Because my own mom was emotionally unavailable, I had no clue about those elements. Therefore, there was no way I could satisfactorily give them to myself. 

In EMDR, my therapist and I recreated an actual scenario where I felt awful and went to my mom for help. But I had to imagine it happening much differently than it actually did. And I had to pick another woman to be my mom. I picked my cousin Kym. Not because I relate to her as my mother, but because she’s the best mom I could possibly imagine. I’ve seen her with her boys, and I see the young men they are becoming. She’s everything I could ever want in a mom. I can’t list those qualities; it would take up the rest of the page.

Many of us challenged by unresolved issues from childhood, especially the deep scars caused by severe fractures in the relationship with a parent, can benefit from EMDR. It's a valuable modality for depression, ADHD, trauma, and most other mental and emotional health disorders. I encourage anybody aware of these issues, or wants to deepen their work, to look into it. And contact me if you are looking for more details on my experience. I would be more than happy to offer you whatever I'm able to.

Join me tomorrow, when I take you through this very powerful experience.

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