Polarity Dispairity

“I know where the middle is. I pass it on my way to the extremes.”
                 - Anonymous

       Many years ago, I sowed the seeds of personal trauma by nourishing them with my own sick thinking. I thus inadvertently created a polarizing paradigm that I am shifting out of. Hooray for me, ‘Cuz this is big.
       My very real, but very childhood experience of abandonment created a paradigm that held the following as gospel: If I need and want someone bad enough, and if they want and need me bad enough, then we’ll never leave each other. We will be always be connected. I won’t ever again be......abandoned.
       Wanting to be needed and wanting to be wanted is not a bad thing. It’s a vital part of intimate relationships. It has to be there to some healthy degree, or there is little passion or vulnerability. Taken to the extreme however, as I have at times been guilty of, leads to codependency. Past the healthy dose and into the overdose.
       We all have one or more core wounds, core traumas, that bury themselves deep inside of us. They borough deep because they occur at a time in our lives, usually when we are quite young, when we simply do not have the tools to process them. So if we don’t have the tools to process, we stuff; hoping that if we can’t see it and can’t feel it, the pain will just go away. We become vigilantly protective of these tender places.
       That vigilant protection in action is commonly known as our defense mechanisms. And they can be incredibly formidable. And unconscious. Which makes them potentially very destructive blind spots in our intimate relationships.
        As is often the case when we polarize, we unconsciously create the other extreme. It’s a dysfunctional way to create a semblance of balance. Picture a seesaw. When functioning properly, both sides of that whimsical childhood device are free to teeter back and forth, finding itself in the middle more often than not as it strives for balance. But if you weigh one side of the seesaw with an oppressively heavy object, like a formidable defense mechanism such as codependency, an object so heavy that it may indeed crush the very seesaw it is part of, then one way to balance that is to weigh the other side with yet another oppressively heavy object. It would indeed be far more effective to just remove that first heavy object. But if we don’t know how to do that, or if we are not even aware that we have loaded one side, it’s relatively easy to just do what we know how to do on  the other side. Which is load it with something else just as heavy.
       So, in my case, the other side of the seesaw; the opposite extreme of my polarization; the opposite of codependency; the other heavy object, as it were, says that I can create a wall around myself strong enough that I can’t become too touched or moved or affected by the woman of my desire. And how that translates itself into the relationship is that I just don’t allow myself to need or to want her, or anybody else, that bad.
       Seeing this dynamic very clearly now, it’s the proverbial lose/lose. On one extreme, I need you so bad I can’t live without you. On the other extreme, I don’t need you, or anybody else for that matter, at all.
       I can say this from experience. Both extreme ends of that polarity totally suck.
       This phenomenon is not unique to me. There are many different manifestations of this polarity of needing and wanting people, of needing and wanting intimate relationships. Some people are petrified to need or want another person too much. I refer to them as emotionally hyper-independent. They reign in any healthy desire so much that they rarely experience that exquisite burning passion, that wonderful temporary surrender that screams, from every fibre of their being: “I WANT YOU SO BAD IN THIS MOMENT, I CAN’T DO ANYTHING BUT TASTE MY DESIRE!”.
       They also control any healthy need of their partner so much that they rarely allow themselves to be vulnerable. They want you and need you just enough to keep the relationship afloat, But hyper-vigilant emotional control remains paramount. Their guard is up, to some degree, virtually all of the time.
       For the emotionally hyper-independent, it’s a very safe place to be. But for the person on the other side, if he or she is at all emotionally available, it is, overall, an unpleasant experience. The emotionally hyper-independent one will probably often be experienced as somewhat cold, detached, disconnected from their heart, and not very expressive of how they feel. Closeness becomes the exception, and a certain distance is the norm. The emotionally hyper-independent will rarely be vulnerable. That way of being can put a big strain on a intimate relationship. Because what’s missing is the intimacy.
       Vulnerability is a scary thing for most. Some of that is cultural. The tools that serve us well in the business world do not translate well into intimate relationships. If you bring the boardroom into the bedroom, you’re intimate relationship is going to suffer. There is absolutely no way around that one.
       Emotional Availability means that you are available to your own emotions, and that you let your partner have availability to them as well. You share your emotions and feelings, as freely as you can, with him or her. That sharing promotes intimacy. That intense sharing, that exposure, that vulnerability is, in fact, critical to intimacy. To be intimate, you must be vulnerable. It simply does not work any other way.
       I know how important vulnerability is in relationships. I have been on all four sides of that fence. I’ve been unavailable and with someone unavailable. I’ve been unavailable and with someone available. I’ve been available and with someone unavailable. And I’ve been available and with someone available. If you want a deeply intimate relationship, the only way it’s ever going to work is the last way. Period. Semi-Colon. Exclamation Point.
       Intimacy is connection. Across the board, if you open up to people in your life, be it a lover or a good friend, you will build connection. And connection is sacred. It is in fact the most beautiful feeling I have ever experienced. Whether I have opened up to my lover and shared with her how her scent drives me crazy; how the touch of her skin against mine makes me weak; how the sounds of her moans are sweeter than any song I have ever heard....or if I’m just laughing so hard with a close friend that I experience our laughter as coming from one unique being that was just spontaneously created....it is all about connection. Beautiful. Sacred. Exquisite, Connection.
       The willingness to risk exposing that which lies deep inside you remains a quality of questionable value to many. As positively frightening as it may be to share our deep secrets with our partner, the act of intimate sharing brings growth and closeness to a relationship that is otherwise unattainable. The freedom experienced when you open up to the one you love, or when they open up to you, qualifies as euphoric. For both of you. A high without drugs.
       Without question, the most beautiful moments I have ever shared with a beloved women, or a close friend, were when one or both of us completely opened up. When we shared what was in our heart of hearts; when we shared something that maybe we were  afraid to admit even to ourselves. The openness of the one sharing, and the loving acceptance of the receptor, literally creates a tangible energy. Unconsciously harnessed, this energy drives you closer to one other. In those most tender moments, when one person shares something so difficult that tears flow freely, it’s Magic. I know I’ve used that word enough in my writings that it borders on over use, but fuck it. It’s my blog.
       I want that connection with as many people in my life as I can possibly handle. And here’s a secret. Come closer. Listen carefully. If you’re up for it, I want it from you.....


© 2012 Clint Piatelli & Red F Publishing. An Incalculably Intimate Amount of Rights Reserved.    
    

Balance Sheet of Being

Sometimes it feels that

The Enormity of My Heart
Is not an Asset
But a Liability

That the Availability of My Emotions
Is not a Plus
But a Minus

That My Capacity to Feel
Is not a Pair of Wings
But a Ball and Chain

That my Intensity
Is not Attractive
But Frightening

That My Depth
Is not a Vast Stunning Ocean
But an Insignificant Puddle

That My Sensitivity
Is not a Beautiful Face
But A Gaping Wound

That My Passion
Is not a Giant Brilliant Flame
But a Smoldering Funeral Pyre

But then I remember

This is Who I Am

And How I choose to Experience Myself Is Up To Me

The After Glow

       There exists a period of time, lasting from between a few minutes to an hour or more, when lovers share a unique and sacred space. Wonderful opportunities exists there, but, unfortunately, they are rarely taken advantage of. I’m talking about right after you make love. I’m talking about the After Glow.
       Also known as "Pillow Talk", it’s a time of great possibility, and yet it’s usually squandered. Sometimes, the pressures of life severely limit the time spent lying next to the one you love. But that’s not always the case. And if couples fully grasped the value of the After Glow, more of them would make the time to relish in it. Something might have to give, like an hour less of watching football or shopping. Yes, I know. I can hear the gasps.
       Physiology, psychology, and the love in our hearts all harmoniously converge after sex and create a space of supreme vulnerability. Hopefully, we have invested our body, mind, and heart into the love making. We are drained, but at the same time going through an emotional recharging that will soon nurture us for the rest of the day or night. We have just shared a piece of ourselves with one other. Tenderness and gentleness are in the house. Stroke her hair. Tickle his back. Rub her shoulders. Take one finger and trace it along the contours of each other’s face.
       Men traditionally have a hard time in this place. But women can find it difficult as well. The After Glow creates a place conducive to communication, to sharing, and to opening up to one another. It’s a time of potential deep connection. You are very close to each other. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Sexually. There is no better time to share and open up. This is the time to connect even deeper.
       You’re missing the boat....no you’re missing the ship.....no, you’re missing an all expense paid luxury cruise on The Sovereign of The Seas, if you constantly let this opportunity for intimacy pass you by.  
       I have had some of the most beautiful, remarkable conversations of my life during the After Glow. During these times, I have shared intimacies about myself with the woman I love that may have felt scary to expose until then. I feel like an open book. And she doesn’t even have to read me; I’ll read myself to her. And she’ll read herself to me. That’s when it’s cookin’.
       Of course, if intimacy is difficult for you, as it is for lots of people, then you have a hard time seeing the value of this special time. In fact, it’s downright scary.
       After particularly passionate sex, when the opportunity for closeness in the After Glow is even greater, you may have gremlins in your head. Those little fuckers say things like: “What the hell did I just say, or do, in the throes of passion?”. As a result, you may possibly be somewhat embarrassed. Don’t keep those very real thoughts and feelings private. Now is the perfect time to share them with your lover. Use the moment to comment on the moment. It’s a wonderful way to build intimacy and trust.  
       Fear is the great disconnector. If we are afraid of intimacy, we may use the After Glow to pull away. Because during sex, we are so close. We are totally exposed to each other. Naked. Not just physically. Now the recoil. It’s the classic push/pull, yes/no, come here/get back, get close/pull away dance we do in relationships. Thus, we miss golden opportunities to bond. The After Glow is not a time to pull back. It’s a time to move forward. Together. It’s a time to get even closer.
       But intimacy requires courage. It requires taking emotional risks. In the After Glow it requires keeping your guard down. Hopefully, your guard was down during sex. If not, then that’s just another layer of the onion that needs to be peeled away for true intimacy. We can get there. But it means we may have to do things differently.
       The risks may seem daunting. But the payoffs are huge. Self Discovery. Intimacy. Laughter. Truth. Honesty. Depth. Warm fuzzy feelings. Closeness. Connection. Intensity. Increased Love. Getting to know the other person even deeper and more fully. Usually, when someone opens up about something that is hard for them to expose, there is greater compassion and understanding for him or her. And compassion and understanding are two ingredients that are a lot healthier for a relationship than judgement or misconception.
       Taking advantage of the After Glow may take time to cultivate. Start by making a conscious decision as a couple to stay in the After Glow longer after sex. Have that discussion outside of the bedroom, then execute it between the sheets.
       The After Glow is like a beautiful womb that you get to share with your lover. I’m a twin, so I did indeed actually share the womb with another. Maybe that’s part of why I have such a love affair with this most precious space of time.
       This womb of the After Glow is a place of love and safety and connection. It can be one of the most beautiful places that you and your love ever go. And you don’t even have to leave your own bedroom.

©2012 Clint Piatelli and Red F Publishing. All Rights (and a glowing amount of wrongs) reserved.
    
   

The Gifts of The Father

       My dad. An amazing man. I loved him with all my heart. Not because of what he did for me. But because of who he was.
       I saw my dad as a human being, as much as I saw him as my father. That perspective helped create my special bond with him. Because he was so much more than just my father.  
       Seeing him as s full human being, instead of just the mighty patriarch, may have made my dad uncomfortable. Because, despite his claims that he had made "all the mistakes", he was a perfectionist. He wanted to appear perfect to all of his children.
       The other day, my siblings and I met with the lawyers who administer my dad’s estate. The meeting went very well. Afterwards, when my focus could afford to shift away from the practical and immediate issues at hand, my thoughts drifted to my dad. I became extremely emotional when I got home.
       Gratitude engulfed me like a warm blanket wrapping itself around a child. My dad worked hard his whole life, until the day he died, providing abundantly for his family. As a boy, during the depression, he worked for his father, traveling to jobs in Maine in a Model T on the weekends.  As a man, he worked tirelessly to give us, his children, a better life than he had.
       And because he ran his own company, my dad was able to provide work for countless relatives and friends. On his death bed, my grandfather, who started the construction company my dad took over, said to him;  “Leon....it’s your turn to take care of the family now”. And my grandpa wasn’t just talking about my dad’s immediate family, although we were obviously front and center. My grandfather was taking about anyone with the last name “Piatelli”.
       Talk about a heavy onus.
       Every fight I ever had with my dad, I regret. Every unkind thought, or hostile feeling I had towards him, I want back. Of course I know that is stinking thinking. I can do nothing about the past. Especially regret it. But what I can do is use the past to teach me about my present. And from that wiser place, I create a more joyful, more fulfilling, more beautiful now. And that upgrade of my present creates an upgrade of my future.
       Thanx to my dad, financial freedom smiled upon me as  soon as I became a young man. Working when I wanted to, at what I wanted to, provided me a life that most would envy. I worked in film production; insane hours, but I loved it. I played in lots of bands; great fun, lots of girls, and wonderful opportunity for expression. Creative projects abounded: I created my own very elaborate Christmas cards; recorded and distributed very professionally crafted Christmas music with my talented family; threw amazing parties several times a year; made my own videos; traveled extensively; wrote a lot and started a blog. All wonderful experiences.
       Blessed with the opportunity to fully express myself, I took it. And took it. And kept taking it. With no apologies. I have lead an unconventional life. A blessed life. Not perfectly. But I have done much, seen much, expressed much.
       The freedom to do all that has given me the experience to know that putting myself out there is worth it. That the benefits for showing the world what I think and what I feel and who I am are worth the risks.
       At the same time, I can also see what I missed by not having to do something I didn’t want to do. Like work at a job I didn’t like. I can see the lessons lost because I did not have to get up and toil at something that I could not just quit without serious consequences. I did not have to work to pay the rent. Or put food on my table. I admit, those very real concerns for most have never been a concern of mine. But just because I never lived it doesn’t mean I can’t relate to it. I’ve never had cancer either, but I am compassionate and empathetic enough to know that it has to be a tremendously difficult burden to bear.
       I realize that I have not fully utilized my talents, abilities, blessings, or opportunities. And because my talents, abilities, blessings, and opportunities have been greater than most, perhaps that fact is more distressful. More distressful not only to me but to others in my life who have seen me go through pain, frustration, and lack of fulfillment because of it.
       Moving forward, however, I understand my journey better. Far better than I ever have before. More importantly, I accept it and I embrace it. That means I am more in touch with both the benefits and drawbacks of the life I’ve lead. That connection to what I’ve missed by doing it this way does not depress or discourage me. It has actually help awaken me. I am thus committed to doing more, and more importantly, to being more. I am committed to being more of Me. I am committed to the possibilities created from being more fully My Self. I am committed to the possibilities created by being more fully engaged in My Life.
       But, before the voices get too loud; the voices, both inside and outside of my head, that tell me that this entire post is nothing more than a justification of what I’ve done (or not done) throughout the course of my very blessed life, let me say this: Please Shut Up. I don’t need your judgement. I don’t need your criticism. I don’t need your conventional wisdom. I don’t need you to beat me up. That does not help me move ahead. That does not help me understand what a wonderful, unique, wild ride my life has been, and how the living of that wonderful, unique, and wild ride can best serve me going forward.
       I am very aware of what I have gained, and what I have lost, by choosing to live my life the way I have. I am clear that it has been nobody’s choice but mine. I am completely responsible for both the rewards and the costs. And with that responsibility comes the realization that the best I have to give this life, as always, is All of Me. My whole authentic self. As best I can. To share my experience. My truth. My love. My unique essence. My Being. My “That Which Makes Me Unique From Every Other Soul On This Planet”.
       Those who want it, I invite you to please take it. All of it. Really. For those who can handle it, come all the way in. For those who just want some of it, take what you want and leave the rest. And for those who want none of it, well the door is right over there.
       Thank you dad, for giving me the space to see all of this; the freedom to live all of this; and the opportunity to capitalize on all of this. Your magnanimous gifts have not been wasted. Will not be wasted. I have once again been propelled forward by the generosity of your spirit, the hard work of your mind and body, the openness of your heart, and the essence of your being. You gave me, dear father, the most precious gift you could have ever given me. You gave me the very best you could.
       You gave me yourself.
       And I am passing it forward.

©2012 Clint Piatelli and Red F Publishing. All Rights (and Selfless Wrongs) Reserved.


        
    
    
    
   

Everybody Wants To Rule The World

       As my college days were winding down, I experienced a peculiar sadness that grew in direct proportion to how much fun I was having. Which is to say that I was simultaneously feeling deep sorrow and great joy. I was whooping it up at party after party. And soon, I would be leaving a group of people I had come to love dearly. People who I had shared the last four years of my life with. There was a palpable pain in that.
       Some say that you can only experience one emotion at a time. Bullshit. If life were that simple.......
       The tune “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” was very popular in the spring of 1985, the period of my undergraduate swan song. Like my overall life experience, that music evoked both boundless joy and deep grief. Maybe that’s why I connected to it so strongly. That connection remains. Whenever I hear the song today, I am compelled to crank it up, sing to it, and feel. Driven by some mystical force that only music wields, whenever I hear “Everybody Wants To Rule The World”, I want to laugh and cry at the same time.
       But I don’t feel like crying out of sadness anymore. The sense of loss of my college days has long passed. Today, the complex overall experience is different.
       Have you ever seen something so beautiful you wanted to cry? A baby perhaps, or a wondrous spectacle of nature. Music is often that spectacle for me. I find many songs so beautiful that I want to cry. They touch me so deeply, move me so profoundly, that tears are the only form of expression that makes any sense. In fact, it’s happening to me right now. “April Come She Will”. Simon an Garfunkel.
       It’s a good thing. No. Actually, It’s a great thing.
       The other night, my nephew’s band ended the night with “Everybody Wants To Rule The World”. As soon as I heard the dissonant opening notes, I felt a wellspring of emotion bubbling up inside of me. Now, picture the environment. I’m dancing in a very crowded club, with a few hundred people, all of us having fun. And at the same time, I feel like balling because the song is so sonically rapturous.
       But instead of crying, I channel that energy into physicality. I sing louder. I dance more energetically. And I feel more deeply. The tears of joy and beauty are there, right below the surface. Nobody can see them. But I feel them. And I use the power of that feeling to propel my experience and transcend the moment. I’m engaged in a very deep, very intense experience at the same time I’m just listening to music and dancing in a club. Total Zen. Music is therefore transcendental, for it creates a sense of being that is beyond ordinary or common experience. And music does that to me all the time.
       While this is happening, I’m wondering if anybody else in the club feels like this. Or am I so far out in the stratosphere that I am completely alone up here? It doesn’t really matter I suppose. It reminds me of that line in Full Metal Jacket, when the soldiers are talking about their rifles: “This is my experience. There are many like it. But this one is mine.”
       The beauty of music is akin to the beauty of the woman I’m with. All I have to do is hear that song, or look at her, and I’m at once someplace else and completely present. Lost in the moment while at the same time being absolutely enveloped by it. Great art does that for me. And a favorite piece of music, or the woman I’m in love with, are nothing less than magnificent works of art.
       This rapture comes from deep inside the heart. From the center of my being, near the middle of my chest, where my heart is physically located. No coincidence. The other night, as I was dancing to “Everybody Wants To Rule The World”, my chest felt full, like it was going to explode. Rather than weighing me down, however, I felt like I was floating. This fullness of chest acted like a balloon, bringing me levity of being.
       The intensity of the experience may have been heavy, but the experience of the intensity was lighter than air.


©2012 Clint Piatelli. All Rights Reserved.