A Single Beat

My Heart Laughs
My Heart Cries
My Heart Lives
My Heart Dies
My Heart Swims
My Heart Drowns
My Heart Closes
My Heart Expounds

All Within A Single Beat of Itself.........

© 2012 Clint Piatelli. All Rights Reserved.

Song Face

all i have to do
is see your face
in a picture
and from within i hear a song

a song

of longing
of love

of laughing
of crying

of sharing
of wanting

of seeing
of hearing

of needing
of loving

of doing
of being

of passion

of fire

all i have to do
is see your face
in a picture
and from within
i hear a song

of myself

©2012 Clint Piatelli. All Rights Reserved.

Heart Mines

Our Hearts are Mines
Covered over
With the weight of life
Years of buried treasure
Waiting to be unearthed
If we are willing to dig
Riches Untold
Limitless Beauty
If we are willing to dig
Deeper and Deeper
Surprising ourselves
With all that is there
If we are not afraid to dig
Well I am not afraid to dig........

©2012 Clint Piatelli. All Rights Reserved

The Politics of Bondage (part 2)

       So you’re in control. I mean total control. Of another person. They are helpless. You are omnipotent.
       Sounds terribly exciting, does it not?. From both sides. In the playful world of mutually consensual sexual power exchange, being either a “top” or a “bottom” can super charge excitement, desire, fun, self discovery, intimacy. All sorts of good stuff.
       I suggest you read, or re-read, my first post on this (The Politics of Bondage) if you want some context or set up for this writing.
       The psychology of control is fascinating. And very dichotomous. We are often polarized by the concept of control. We strive to be in control of our lives so that we get what we want. Being in control gives us the experience of safety and comfort. Basically, we are taught that the more in control we are, the happier we will be because getting what we want, by western standards anyway, means happiness.
       The experience of being out of control, on the other hand, is frightening. For you and for those around you. By definition, you are completely unpredictable, which is scary. And dangerous. You don’t have influence over what you want because you can not govern your behavior or responses.
       And yet, we are drawn to people who exhibit a devil may care attitude, or a freedom of spirit that makes them appear, at times anyway, just a little out of control. A Little Dangerous, A Little Unpredictable. So a little “out of controllness” is appealing to most. Those who exhibit this trait in proper doses can be exciting, fun, and magnetic. Being around them can make us feel that way too.
       On the contrary, people who are too “in control”, or “Control Freaks”, as we often call them, are exhausting to be around. They suck all the energy out of every life circumstance in order to feed their need for control. Spontaneity and inspiration are stifled and choked out of existence. People like that can be damn boring.
       Thus, an ungovernable need to control everything is just as distasteful to most of us as the ungovernable inability to control anything.
       I realize that most of us do not fall under either of these two extremes. I highlight both ends of the spectrum simply to illustrate my point: We have a love hate thing with control.We strive for a balance between control and letting go. And this balance is notoriously difficult to strike at any one moment.
       Which is why it is so delicious when we choose to either be in complete control of a sexual situation or turn that control over to someone else. For a little while, we don’t have to worry at all about balance. We consciously choose imbalance. We go all the way over to one extreme. Thee’s a wonderful freedom in that. It’s a lot of fun.
       Having power over someone else in this context feeds our need to be in control without all the baggage that comes with being a total control freak. For this short time, we get to be control freaks, all the way, 100%, and not only is it okay, but the more in control we are, the more power we exert over the other person, the more exciting it is for both involved. Our desire to have all the power is rewarded, with no stigma attached. We get to live out this fantasy that, if we did so in the rest of our lives, would not endear us to many people. And might even get us arrested.
       In part three, I’ll go even further. Maybe I’ll even get completely out of control.....

©2012 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and an out of control amount of wrongs) Reserved   

Helmet

       In a dream the other night, I had this awful experience of what it would feel like to live my life while wearing a perpetual, very heavy, very confining, claustrophobically oppressive, Helmet. I didn’t have this Helmet on in my dream, but I had the experience of wearing it. I was looking at two women who had huge hair that came over their faces like giant visors. That image got my dream self to start experiencing the dreaded Helmet that I just described.
       In my dream, I thought aloud that I would rather be dead than experience the rest  of my life wearing that Helmet. Expanding on that, it occurs to me that the Helmet can be a metaphor for living my life with a closed, confined mind. Of living my life without personal expression. More than living inside a self induced prison, this kind of confinement follows me. This kind of constriction is not because of where I’m at physically, like being in jail. This restriction is actually a part of me. My Helmet is with me no matter what. It is inescapable. Unshakable. It’s a part of my head. It can not be removed, no matter what. Even writing about it takes me to an uncomfortable place and creates a sense of confinement in me. I literally want to take off my baseball hat and go run outside and start screaming “I’m free! I don’t wear a Helmet!”.
       I’ve had this feeling before in dreams. And it is always very powerful. So much so that when I awake from such a dream, I have to consciously explore what it was all about and work at getting myself out of that space. Lest my very waking experience becomes tainted by this dream. Sometimes, like now, I write about it.
       The waking, physical experience of having something heavy on my head, confining my face and skull, pressing on the back of my neck, is terribly uncomfortable for me. Probably one reason I shun from ever wearing a helmet when I cycle, even through the busy streets of Boston. And even though those cycle helmets weigh next to nothing and don’t rest on the neck. Just the experience of having anything on my head that weighs more than a baseball cap is distasteful to me.
       Metaphor withstanding, I realize that, to one degree or another, we all live in the prisons of our own mind. Especially if we aren’t even conscious that we’re held captive by what’s inside our own heads. My mind may be free in some areas, but it’s very confining in others. I have recommitted myself to opening up my mind. I have challenged myself to shed old, negative, ingrained thinking patterns that no longer serve me, if they ever did. I want to rid myself of any semblance of the Helmet.
       But I still wear that Helmet. We all do. Some of us are a lot more aware of it than others. Some of us can see the Helmet of another, as clear as we can see the shirt they are wearing. They show us their Helmet by the words they speak. They show us through their behavior, through their attitude. Those who remain unaware of their own Helmet are doomed to wear it until they die. Sometimes, I want to go over to somebody and just take their Helmet off, and say “Look at what you’re missing by keeping that thing on. Look at how you’re words and behavior and energy effects others. You don’t even see it. Look at how it effects you.”
       The Helmet itself is hugely responsible for keeping us blind to the very fact that we are indeed wearing it. That’s one reason it is so insidious and difficult to take off. It has a very formidable, built in self defense mechanism. The worst thing about a closed mind is that, by definition, the mind can not realize that it is closed. Only when the thinker is able to separate themselves from the thinking is space created for some new insights to enter the closed loop of a mind shut down.
       I offer the same truth for one’s heart. A closed down heart, one that is afraid to fully feel, or fully express, or be vulnerable, is like a closed mind. The wall constructed around our hearts and minds, our Helmets, prevent flow. Virtually nothing gets in, and virtually nothing gets out. To open up, to remove the Helmet, we first have to realize we have it on. That means we have to see it. Feel it. Touch it. That can be a realization of life changing proportions. Then we have to want the Helmet off. And often, we don’t know how. That takes us down another road of self discovery. Because we ask for help. And if we truly want help, we get it. Then we have to grow. And that can be positively frightening.
       With the Helmet off, we are more exposed. More naked. More vulnerable. We can see more clearly, hear more clearly. But we are seen and heard more clearly as well. Instead of hiding, we put ourselves out there. Our armor is peeling away. That is very scary for most. But I can say from experience, that the rewards of living with a more open heart and a more open mind are well worth the risks.
       I like the expression that says “A mind is like a parachute. It only works when it’s open.” The same is true for the heart.

©2012 Clint Piatelli. All Rights Reserved.