Clint's Mind Fuck Tours, Inc.

Note: I wrote this several days ago. It was going to be yesterday’s post. But the Dark Side was strong in me yesterday, and I was compelled to do something different. When I can articulate where I was at when I posted yesterday, I'll share that. Thanks for reading.

        Another bout of mental necrophilia. This time about something completely different. And like a bus that lies about where it’s going, when I hop on this mind fuck tour, I think it’s about somebody else. Or something else. So off I go, and before I know it, it’s clear that this is about me. So I end up in a different place than I thought I would. The destination is never the one that flashes on the marquee on the front of the bus. And as many times as I take this trip, I’m always surprised by that.
        Clint’s Mind Fuck Tours, Inc. has been around for as long as I’ve been able to think. I’ve tried to take this line to solutions a million different times, and it always fails me. It promises me a safe trip in the form of guided action. It guarantees resolution through adept problem solving and analytical know how. But once I get on, it’s a nightmare. And where it takes me, if I let it, is hell.
        Maybe it’s time to change bus companies.
        I’ve made progress in that area. Before, I would get on this bus and ride it until the end of the line. Sometimes the trip would take weeks. And when I reached my final destination, I would have no idea where I’d been. Worse, I’d have no idea where I was. So I would convince myself that the trip was a good one, and that I ended up where I wanted to be. I had to do that then. Because I wasn’t aware enough to understand what had happened. And I wasn’t strong enough or wise enough to admit that I had just made a colossal blunder by taking this fuckin’ bus. Again. Denial was my only option then.
        It’s not now. Now I’m learning that this ramshackle tour company is not the way to travel.
        Clint’s Mind Fuck Tours, Inc. is therefore going out of business. But as much as I want it to, it’s not going away overnight.
        I still take it far too often. But I don’t stay on as long. I know now where this bankrupt operation is taking me, and I get off quicker.
        Previously, I was just a passive passenger on this juggernaut that was speeding through life, running over whatever it had to to get where it wasn’t going. And whatever it couldn’t run over, it just swerved around. Just like in the movie “Speed”.
        When I let my reckless mind take me on this ride, it’s an awful trip. It’s painful, and disruptive, and it takes me out of my current life and into my past. My very painful past, where I didn’t have the tools or the support I have now. Where I was a different person who did life differently. It sucks me back in and does everything it can to convince me that I’m back at camp, or alone at school, or any one of a million different traumatic scenarios that are no longer applicable. My mind does not want to recognize that I have grown beyond that. It wants to keep me stuck there. And sometimes I let it. And when I do, it hurts so much I can get lost in the pain. Completely lost. “Gilligan’s Island” lost. “Lost” lost.
        My mind also loves to predict the future, but it’s usually wrong. Does that stop it? No way. It actually encourages it, because it wants to eventually be good at predicting the future and therefore get it right. Because my mind can’t stand failure. So it tries even harder. Gathers more information, devotes more resources to figuring it out, takes up more space. All of which generally just takes me out of life and fucks me up.
        When I catch myself and choose to step off of this nightmare bus ride, I have the opportunity to connect to something else. I give myself the chance to connect to something that can take me where I need to go.
        Deep within me, there is a center that knows where I need to be and has what it takes to get me there. That’s Clint’s Heart and Intuition Spiritual Tour Bus Line. But getting on that bus is not easy for me. Not yet.
        That bus is still sometimes hard to find. I have to first get on the Mind Fuck bus and realize that I’m going nowhere fast. I have to go through all of this pain to realize that I’m on the wrong path and that there’s another route available.
        I’m in transition between these two routes right now. Letting go of the old ways is still very difficult. Sometimes it feels impossible. Like an addiction. I’m not used to the route yet. It’s still a great unknown. And as much as I know it is the way, I don’t completely trust it.
        That’s why I keep getting challenged to trust. I keep being presented with opportunities to do it different because, fuck, I need the practice. I’ve got forty plus years of doing it the old way. If I’m going to get better at taking a different path, I better learn to travel down it, and travel it as often as possible. I hate that about this work, but I know it’s true.
        So here I go, closing one company and starting another one. A better one. One that can take me where I want to go. One that enriches my life, instead of distracting from it.
        And just like starting a new business on the outside, starting a new one on the inside takes a lot of work. It takes the support of those around me. It involves taking risks, sometimes incredibly big, scary risks. It takes faith in myself. It means following my true inner voice, when other voices inside of me and outside of me tell me that I’m crazy.
        And it takes love. Love of self. Love of others. Love of life.
        Amazing to me how it always boils down to that.

©2008 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and a bus full of Wrongs) Reserved